Fact or Crap?

Welcome ladies and gentleman to an impromptu version of fact or crap….also known as myth or reality… truth or false…you get the idea!  Now…let’s test your skill…

1)  Fact or crap: When you have the flu, food is the last thing on your mind.

 Crap!! I was the lucky recipient of the flu or some other crazy virus last week, and all I wanted to do was eat!!! What is up with that? I missed 3 days of work, and thank goodness there wasn’t really that much to eat in the house – I would have killed it! Ended up giving in to my craving for egg salad (so weird) – but I made it so could at least control the contents.

 2)  Fact or crap:  Working in teams at the gym is not a good thing when you’ve increased your fiber intake.

Fact!! So let me paint this picture for you…increased fiber, plus having your gym partner hold your feet while you try to do as many sit-ups as possible in a minute…I think you know what comes next. I guess it was a good icebreaker…ok maybe not. Maybe “wind” breaker would be a better term to describe it. Explains why she has stayed far away from me since then…

 3) Fact or crap: I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way my clothing fits.

Crap! (Can you picture my pouty face?) Not sure why…maybe I’m still holding on to water. Maybe it’s female bloat or I swallowed to much air. (Haha I googled the last one…Swallowing too much air is an actual reason for bloat. If only it were that easy.)  Don’t feel like things are fitting any better…don’t notice a difference in my face or in my appearance.  Would have thought I would have seen a difference by now…in some ways I’d rather lose inches than weight.

 4)  And finally…fact or crap: I can now mark off weight loss goal number #2!

Fact!! Lose ten pounds. Check. Lose 11 pounds. Check. Lose 12.4 pounds. Check check!!! Woot woot!!! So excited for the loss this week! (And I have a confession…I cheated a little this week so I’m even more shocked.)

I think the total loss is why I’m a little bummed about not “noticing” it more. I know I will…I know the more I drop that scale number, the more I’ll see the difference.  I’m such an impatient person!!! Back to that ‘unable to visualize’ it thing. I’m so results driven…I’m seeing them as far as the number…but I’m so self-conscious that I think that’s why I’m in such desperation to see the difference in terms of physique.  As much as I want to sit here and try and convince myself that this isn’t all about what size I am or what I look like, it is. I’m not currently that unhealthy (that I know of) – so to say that I’m only doing this for health would be a lie. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s nothing I would love more than to look in the mirror and love what I see. Or to Baywatch it down the beach (yep…including the slow motion running through the waves with a floatation device in hand) and have it look attractive.  I’ll even settle for finally not wanting to break a dressing room mirror with its awkward angles and horrendous lighting.

I’m well aware that fixing the weight issues now will prevent issues in the future, but it’s so hard to relate to that “pain” of unhealthiness if I’m not sure that I’ve even experienced the severity of it.

I know what you’re thinking…”Just think about how much better you’ll feel…think of what you’re preventing.” Well I know that…but I have found that I’m so much more motivated by pain.  That if I associate so much pain with the way I am now, that I’ll change my ways.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been unsuccessful previously…because I’ve never had that hit rock-bottom point in terms of health.  I used to beg an ex (who will remain nameless) to please tell me that I disgusted him…To tell me that the sight of me and my excess weight made him nauseous.  He didn’t do it (thank God) – but I had convinced myself that if someone told me those horrible things, that it would motivate me to change.  Trust me…I thought the exact same things about myself, but telling myself that I was disgusting over and over again just wasn’t doing the trick.

Disclaimer…Previous statement and what I’m about to say is going to sound really disturbing…and it is in a psychological way.  Not holding anything back on this one – But just so you know, I no longer have these same thoughts.

When I’d get a stomach virus I would in a way be grateful that I might lose a few pounds as a result.  If I’d feel a weird sensation in my left arm, I’d wonder if it was a heart attack so I could finally have my wake up call. I went as far as to think that even if it was something as detrimental as cancer, that chemo would be a way to shed pounds.  (I really hate admitting that. I know many that have gone through the struggle with cancer not only is it not an easy road for the patient, but the family as well…I am by no means trying to minimize the struggle of these unfortunate maladies so I apologize if I have offended you in any way.)  I’d wish for something that would force me to change my life.  I subconsciously wanted to be backed into a corner so I had no choice but to succeed.  Why in the hell have I never been able to decide to change? Why did I want something awful to happen to me because I was too weak or lazy to do it by my own accord?

I have tried extremely hard to change my thinking.  I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve got the opportunity to fix it now before I get to the point where something awful happens.  I’m tired of beating myself up and not allowing myself to be what I know I’m capable of (and this goes beyond weight loss too).  I’ve come a long way from the old mentality.  It’s amazing what finally loving yourself does for your way of thinking….having a great therapist doesn’t hurt either!

I don’t know much, but I do know I am a magnificent person regardless of my size…and I promise you this…when I get the outside looking like the inside…WATCH OUT WORLD!

Love to you all. ~ HH

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly.  You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stuck-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” 

 ~Roald Dahl