I’m sick and tired of all this weight-loss mumbo-jumbo. I come on here every week and write something silly or pen something sappy, and you come waste your time skimming over whatever hodgepodge gobbledygook I happen to push out.
Happy Opposite Day!
I take my Opposite Day seriously and think I’ll head to the weight-loss blogosphere today and pass on some really horrible advice.
So in the spirit of completely phoning a post in, here are some tips to make sure your next weigh-in doesn’t drop you too, too much…
- You don’t have to workout on days that end in “y”.
- Dog paddling can burn up to 10 calories an hour; dog paddling in water will burn even more.
- Driving by a YMCA earns you three activity points
- That tuna salad could use a little more mayonnaise
- Wearing sweatpants in public isn’t always perceived as a sign of giving up
- Low energy can cramp your style… and nothing provides a quicker energy boost than Twix bars dipped into a can of vanilla frosting.
- Most Mexican restaurants will keep bringing you baskets of chips if you ask.
- Most scales are generally five pounds “off,” so be sure and take that into account before registering your numbers
- If you go to one of those fancy gyms with the treadmills with the TV sets built right in and you just stand there and watch the Soap Opera Channel for an hour… hey, that still counts.
- Eat smaller meals throughout the day… roughly every 20 minutes.
- If you have a good weight-loss week, you deserve to blow it out over the weekend.
- If you’re looking for a substitute for butter on your toast in the morning, why not try fudge?
- Staying up all night farting around on the internet is just as good as sleeping eight hours.
- People will tell you that eating too many carbs is bad for you, which is why I encourage you to quit listening to people so much.
- If you wear a wide belt, nobody will notice that you have your pants unbuttoned.
- A glass of half-and-half has a tremendous amount of calcium.
- If nobody sees you eat it, it doesn’t count against you.
- Make it your goal to be more like Jillian; that is, be a total bitch to everyone around you.
- You know what’s a good appetite suppressant? Belgian waffles and syrup! I don’t know why it works, but it does!
Why such a sarcastic mood this week?…well…1) my vacation is over…2) look at the freaking results of a ‘week off’:
Ugh!!! Apparently the peanut M&M’s didn’t help…or the alcohol….or the 90 pounds of shrimp I ate a day…or the butter that said shrimp were dipped in. But…nonetheless, it was vacation after all. Not that being on vacation gives me an ‘official’ excuse…but telling myself that it’s all ok is making me not beat myself up quite so badly.
I am motivated to get back on track though…especially after I had a reminder of what I could look like this past weekend…
Anyone that has ever been overweight will tell you, having a friend that is your same size makes a huge difference from a confidence standpoint. I used to have that friend….
Aside from the fact that she was significantly more “chestily” endowed than I was (which I always hated her for) we were very similarly built. People always thought we were related…some even questioned whether or not we were twins. We shared clothes; we shopped in the same stores. I won’t call her my fat friend, because neither of us was necessarily fat, but we weren’t skinny either.
We spent many summers at the beach together…I didn’t care what I looked like because I knew she wasn’t judging me and vice versa. I didn’t worry what she was thinking if I ordered French fries, and she knew I’d never criticize her for ordering the same. We both had a penchant for The Biscuit Factory and could both destroy a plate of Japanese food and a cup of white sauce.
But it wasn’t all about the food. I felt comfortable around her. I felt safe around her. I didn’t feel self-conscious…Well…That’s how I used to feel.
Fast forward 10 years and my previous not-fat-but-not-skinny friend is now extremely thin. Like size 2 thin. And she looks AMAZING.
I am so jealous of what she has morphed into. I am so angry with myself that I didn’t follow the same journey and we can’t both relish in being each other’s skinny friend. The girl that used to share my disdain for shorts now looks like a knock-out in them. The girl, who used to swear that she’d only feel comfortable in a bikini around me, now looks like a model in one. The girl whose clothes I would borrow with no issues, now wears pants that wouldn’t fit around my left ankle. I now look like a giant ogre next to her. Her petite frame easily overshadowed by my un-flat belly that we used to have in common.
I want to hate her…but I think I’d rather just look like her.
We vowed to do everything in life together. But I failed on my end of the bargain…She got skinny. I stayed fat. It makes me so upset with myself when I realize the insecurities about myself I didn’t fix because I had someone else to share the same ones with. I no longer have that fat friend…and my insecurities are as raw as they come.
Part of me wants someone to be envious of my physique. I want someone to watch me walk down the beach and be green with envy over my figure. I want for someone to be jealous of me like I am of her…
And as it turns out…I hate that we’re different. So, Amanda…I’m coming for ya…and we’re gonna do this skinny friend thing together…till we’re 307 – unless we kill each other first.
“A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked.” ~ Author Unknown