This Isn’t Me…

I woke up fat.

I woke up today, wiped the sleepy out of my eyes and gazed in the mirror.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

This isn’t me.

The “me” in my mind’s eye was fit and spirited, healthy and vital.

The “me” staring back at me was pasty, weak and lifeless, sporting a layered look even though I had yet to get dressed.

This isn’t me.

The “me” in my mind’s eye looked good from every angle and was more than just a pretty face.

The “me” staring back at me was rotund and flabby, uncomfortable looking and miserable.

Somehow, we convince ourselves that we’re doing okay, even when presented with an abundance of evidence to the contrary.

We understand that our actions have consequences, but the truth of those words slip tantalizingly through our fingertips.

We know what we need to do, and yet we falter and fail and can’t for the life of us begin to understand the reasons why.

And then one day, it dawns on us…hopefully.

I’m having an extremely difficult time right now. Between the abundance of digestive issues I’m currently experiencing and a complete loss of every ounce of energy I’ve ever had, I have hit a complete stand-still.

I am sad at my lack of progress and I am dejected in my own skin. I am tired of clothes not fitting. I am tired of whatever food sensitivity I’m currently experiencing creating the feeling of Thanksgiving dinner after eating 2 or 3 bites. I am tired of telling people I’ve tried every diet, and here I am…still topping the scale at over 230 pounds.

I’ve tried so hard all week to keep my internal dialogue positive…but I have so much fear of failing that I think I’m starting to subconsciously sabotage myself to prevent success which I then might screw up.

I just want to feel normal. I want to be able to get up when my alarm goes off and not hit snooze for 2 hours. I want to make the best decision food-wise and not even think twice about it. I want to be excited about working out. I want to stop feeling like this is going to turn out like every other time I’ve attempted this same feat. I want to feel good in my own skin. Is all of this too much to ask?

This certainly isn’t me:

I’m not a person that knows better but can’t do better.

I’m not a person that’s too frightened, worried or weak to make a positive change in my life.

I’m not a person that just doesn’t give a damn.

This isn’t me.

I can grab the reins of my life and take control of what I eat and how I live.

I can push myself harder and further than I ever thought possible.

I can scale a mountain by taking one uphill step at a time.

I can do this.

“Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out.” ~ Unknown