Would You Rather…

Happy Monday! Get ready…this is a good one!

Here are the 100 Things I’d rather do than gain my weight back…..

  1. Lick a mile of asphalt
  2. Tape grapefruit halves to my knees and wear them around for a month
  3. Begin each day listening to an hour-long audio of Snooki explaining why Sarah Palin is right on the money
  4. Swallow a 9V battery
  5. Play strip poker with all my aunts and uncles
  6. Flush my credit card down the toilet
  7. Have my portrait taken at Walmart
  8. Get sprayed in the face with Easy-Off oven cleaner
  9. Forever believe that stepping on a crack would actually break my mother’s back
  10. Be either person in this conversation: “Hey, whatcha doing tonight?” “Boozin’.”
  11. Develop an irrational fear of Chapstick
  12. Drive a Duke blue minivan
  13. Go see the world’s most boring opera
  14. Fish
  15. Go see the world’s most exciting opera
  16. Have all my sentences mysteriously start ending with the phrase “Boy, howdy”
  17. Get kicked in the head by a donkey
  18. Be pen pals with a death row inmate
  19. Know only 75 words
  20. Start speaking like James Earl Jones
  21. Always have to answer the phone: “Yello”
  22. Develop a taste for cilantro
  23. Wear a “Home of the Whopper” belt buckle to a job interview
  24. Eat (GF) pancakes with no syrup or silverware
  25. French kiss a buffalo
  26. Constantly forget the words to the “Happy Birthday” song
  27. Have a 4-hour conversation with Keanu Reeves about guacamole
  28. Ski topless
  29. Get a tattoo of Popeye giving Bluto a lap-dance
  30. Eat a slice of real bread – and pay the Celiac-y consequences
  31. Drink cold hot chocolate with no marshmallows
  32. Make out with Rick Flair
  33. Have all my teeth yanked and replaced with gummi teeth   
  34. Listen to Barry Manilow singing Snoop Dogg’s greatest hits
  35. Give myself hourly wedgies for a month
  36. Be the designated driver at an Oktoberfest party
  37. Drink warm milk straight from the cow
  38. Get a tetanus shot in the forehead
  39. Listen to my dad tell a story about losing his virginity
  40. Wear a thong made of steel wool
  41. Clean a men’s public restroom with my toothbrush
  42. Watch a reality TV show about the making of a reality TV show
  43. Be a telemarketer for a year
  44. Pick up every piece of a Costco-sized bag of rice after a spill– one kernel at a time
  45. Take LSD and watch open-heart surgery on the Discovery Channel
  46. Eat a kitty sandwich at a PETA convention
  47. Spend a Saturday afternoon at Wal-Mart
  48. Cough up my own liver
  49. Carry a giant bag of bark wherever I go
  50. Think that I’m speaking Spanish when I’m really speaking gibberish
  51. Watch old people dance
  52. Go back to dial-up internet connection
  53. Wear Victoria’s Secret PINK brand sweatpants
  54. Vacuum my eyeballs with a Shop-Vac
  55. Get a full-body massage from Roseanne Barr
  56. Wear a Speedo to church
  57. Have my colonoscopy broadcast on network TV
  58. Be stuck in an elevator with a troupe of flatulent mimes
  59. Randomly call numbers from the phone book and demand “Who dis?!”
  60. Wax off 85% of my hair
  61. Do a 10,000 piece puzzle of a dozen polar bears break-dancing in a blizzard
  62. Put a sticky note on every object in my house, identifying its purpose
  63. Watch sausage and/or babies get made
  64. Wear Elton John glasses for three months
  65. Ask Tom Cruise about Scientology
  66. Glue my mailbox shut 
  67. Run barefoot across a construction site
  68. Watch nuns knit
  69. Repeatedly bang my knee on coffee table
  70. Create a flag that will represent my own nation
  71. Go to a toy store and try to purchase a Monopoly game using Monopoly money
  72. Go to Vegas and boycott drinking and gambling
  73. Pour boiling water up my nose
  74. Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts
  75. Develop an allergy to mittens
  76. Whenever I meet someone, announce that I’m the one who coined the phrase “coin the phrase”
  77. Sleep wearing a fur unitard and ice skates
  78. Tell Paula Deen she’s banned from using butter
  79. Go through a car wash with my windows rolled down
  80. Fit Rush Limbaugh for assless chaps
  81. Drink water out of toilet in Mexico City
  82. Call 4-11 and shout “Oh my God! He’s trying to kill me!”
  83. Pierce my lady parts
  84. Inadvertently be the cause of Coca-Cola going out of business
  85. Be a Pro Bowling Tour groupie
  86. After getting my drink on, wake up in a jail cell in a foreign country wearing a wedding dress that doesn’t belong to me
  87. Lose my CareBear
  88. Eat Coco’s dog food
  89. Drive with my seat scooted all the way up
  90. Go to Dollyworld
  91. Live in one of those houses where everything’s slanted
  92. Have the navigational system in my car start talking in an Aussie accent
  93. Super Glue a gerbil to my forehead
  94. Inherit the national debt
  95. Take a job as a change-maker in a video arcade
  96. Be glow-in-the-dark for six months
  97. Eat a plate of abalone, haggis, chitlins and head cheese
  98. Milk a cat
  99. Eat less and exercise more
  100. Write a list of 100 things I’d rather do than gain the weight

What a week! After a stomach virus (which I would have thought was a strange gluten conspiracy if it weren’t for the fever) – and I didn’t lose that much.

And I’m going to apologize ahead of time…but I need to vent this week.  I’ve managed to find some pretty decent substitutes for gluten-heavy items. Crackers are an easy substitute, broth has been and easy switch – but damn…after over a month I am dying for some good starchy goodness.

Sitting around celebrating Father’s Day yesterday, my amazing soon-to-be brother-in-law (holy hyphen that was a quite a sentence!) and I were talking about food. He’s quite the food connoisseur, which I love. A man that understands the beauty of the pork belly like I do….Mmmm!  (Sidenote: That ‘mmmm’ was in reference to the pork belly, not the man. Not that he isn’t handsome…he’s just already reserved by my little sister.)

Sorry, I digress….Ok, so we were sitting and talking about food…he brought up Price’s Chicken in Charlotte. If you’ve never been there, it is worth a trip around the world. My great grandmother (God rest her soul) had nothing on this fried chicken. It’s the stuff dreams are made of.  And I can’t have it anymore.  Not only can’t I have it anymore, but as a girl tipping the scale at over 200 pounds, I shouldn’t even be considering fried chicken. Nonetheless, I’d kill a man for the opportunity to sink my teeth into that greasy, crunchy piece of poultry euphoria.  So there’s one thing I miss.

Another thing…Nilla Wafers. Why? Duh…I live in NC and what do we eat for dessert in the South? Banana Pudding.  Once again, my culinary whiz aunt made the most delicious looking tray of BP for dessert last night. I was tempted…so freaking tempted to just lick the spoon. Alright, I lie. I wanted to stick my face in the entire tray but it was, as it should be, filled with Nilla Wafers. There was part of my Cool Whip-loving self that almost took the bait last night, but I would have been too sick to function for a few days.  Speaking of being sick…needing some gastric relief last week, what settles your stomach? Saltines. Sesame seed crackers on an upset tummy = FAIL.

I want some Carolina Treet BBQ sauce (stupid wheat flour as an ingredient), some lo mein, an authentic meatball, an everything bagel, gnocchi, a flipping beer!!

Not sure why this seems to be getting harder and not easier. I’m slowly finding some good replacements (Elizabeth’s Pizza has a great crust but I’m unsure of prep caution)…my sister made some great fresh spring rolls (sans cilantro just for me!)…but there is still so far to go with some of these “Celiac Friendly” foods out there. Get with it food industry! No one likes to eat cardboard! At least I hope not…and if they do, I’m sure there’s a rehab for that.

And…deep breath.

Thank you for allowing me to bitch for a minute.

Hope you all have a fabulous (and tantrum-free) rest of your week!

“A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.”  ~Author Unknown

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Bad. Badder. Worstest.

BAD: You accidentally buy whole milk at the grocery store.

BADDER: You accidentally drink a milkshake with said whole milk.

WORSTEST: You fill up the bathtub with heavy cream and drink your way to the bottom.

BAD: You skip your workout.

BADDER: You skip a week of workouts.

WORSTEST: You forgot how to get to the gym.

BAD: You ate too much fried shrimp.

BADDER: Security guards now stop you from entering Red Lobster.

WORSTEST: Your name is mentioned in a worldwide article about a seafood shortage.

BAD: Your favorite shirt is too tight.

BADDER: You split your pants.

WORSTEST: A button popped off your jeans and severely injured a co-worker.

BAD: You barely made it through the 5K you trained for.

BADDER: You barely make it through the Mile Run you trained for.

WORSTEST: You barely made it through the “Real Housewives of Orange County” marathon.

BAD: You were turned down for a date because you’re too big.

BADDER: You were turned down for a job because you’re too big.

WORSTEST: You were turned down from “Biggest Loser” because you’re too big.

BAD: You were really uncomfortable going horseback riding.

BADDER: They couldn’t find a saddle that fit you.

WORSTEST: You broke a horse.

BAD: You tracked your food and went over your allotted calories.

BADDER: You tracked your food and went waaaay over your allotted calories.

WORSTEST: You tracked your food and ran out of numbers.

BAD: You don’t have any jeans that fit.

BADDER: You don’t have any sweatpants that fit.

WORSTEST: You don’t have any muumuus that fit.

BAD: You eat cheese and crackers on the sofa.

BADDER: You eat chips and dip in bed.

WORSTEST: You eat cold pizza in the shower.

BAD: You maintain the same weight from the week before.

BADDER: You gain weight on a diet.

WORSTEST: You are unable to keep any food down for 4 days and still only manage to lose 2 lbs.

I am so over this stomach BS!!!!! Please, someone tell me, how I essentially ingest nothing for almost a week and lose only two pounds?! I just don’t get it…Trying with all my might not to give up.

Hoping to hear from the doctor tomorrow regarding the results of the stomach/small intestine biopsies I had done last week. While I don’t really want anything to be wrong, I’m almost hopeful that she found something…I can’t go on like this anymore. I know something is wrong…I know my insides are fighting back like a kick-ass scene in the Matrix…I just don’t know why.  I’m about to start a pool…$5 per bet…who will take IBS? Celiac Disease? Crohn’s? Diverticulitis?

Fingers crossed for some direction and answers by the end of the week…otherwise I’m not sure what I’m going to do….

“Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” ~ Unknown

God Bless the Pork Belly!

No, your eyes did not deceive you. I did say God Bless the Pork Belly.

If you want to get me all hot and bothered, whisper “pork belly” in my ear. I ordered this at a restaurant for the first time last week. It was beyond slap your momma good. I was with my mom and it warranted an action far more grandiose than smacking her. (Side note: I would never intentionally slap my mom.)  If you’ve never had it before…you’re missing out.

I’m sure you’ve had bacon before (pork belly is the cut used to make bacon), but this is completely different. Let me try and describe it for you.  Ok, close your eyes…ok, no, don’t. Guess it’s a smidge difficult to read with your eyes closed.

So, the pork belly…. Imagine a ribeye steak that tastes like bacon.  The texture was more like a steak – a steak with a crispy topping.  It’s such an amazing textural experience.  You have a nice layer of meat, a nice layer of fat, another nice layer of meat, another nice layer of fat, and then you have a thin crispy layer on top that’s crackly when you bite down into it.

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!

Doesn’t it look beautiful?!

I feel like I needed trumpets playing while that picture is being viewed. It needs Ariel from The Little Mermaid in the background singing. Streamers and confetti should be raining down.

I considered making a deal with myself while I was eating this. I honestly believe I could give up every unhealthy horrible food and/or beverage that I have EVER craved or eaten just to allow myself a taste of pork belly every once in a while.

While eating it, I had another thought…as delicious and pristine this pork belly was, I reminded myself that pigs aren’t normally eating fried and processed foods. I’m not saying that I want to get my belly in tip top condition so that it’s delicious to eat, but it did make me wonder how ungodly the human stomach must appear with all the hydrogenated, fried, processed, fermented crap that we (mostly I) have ingested in one lifetime.  It’s almost like being in 2nd grade again and looking at the lung of the smoker vs. non-smoker….”Here, Ms. Hayes, is the belly of an organically fed pig…notice how flawless and succulent…now here is your belly, all crusty and gangly from the bologna and French fries you’ve eaten in your lifetime.”  I need to strive for that perfect belly! On the inside and out.

Aside from my belly composition epiphany, you may now be asking yourself, “why is her blog post for this week about one of the most fattening things on the planet?”  Well, yes, this is a blog about weight loss. But this is also indirectly a blog about food and I need a little humor after this week’s result.  I went the wrong way on the scale this week…though not by much.

I needed this to refocus myself.  I’m sure I could have burped an extra time and not gained as much. Nevertheless, I was not careful about what I ate last week. That compounded with the fact that I had been eating almost nothing the week or 2 before really bit me in the ass. I know now that I need to keep my metabolism up so that if I do happen to eat 300 more calories than the day before that my body just doesn’t immediately decide to prepare for famine and store food for the winter around my belly button.

I need to plan better. I want to tell myself that I’ll make the best possible option at the last minute, and I should know by now that I don’t.  It’s not even that I make a bad food choice…I don’t make a choice at all. Eating 1 meal a day is catching up with me.  For those of you that are working on or have been successful at weight loss, what are some of the tips and techniques you have for staying focused food wise or making sure you plan ahead? I know it sounds simple to just say that I’ll plan out everything I’m going to eat 7 days in advance, but I don’t know how realistic that is all the time. Perhaps that’s the problem I’ve had in the past.

Aside from battling some type of food-borne illness or bug or whatever it is that keeps rearing its ugly head every few weeks with me, my attention is completely refocused. I’m going to work on the planning aspects of the diet and hope to get some great feedback from you all on what I can do to not make this organizing-what-I’m-going-to-eat so overwhelming.  I did take a very small step backwards…well the scale did, mentally I’m still moving in the right direction, but despite a slightly higher number, I feel thinner and my clothes are fitting better. My body has never made sense…gain weight and lose inches! I’ll take it though…here’s to getting everything back on track next week!!

Until next time…HH

“Failure is the opportunity to begin again, only this time more intelligently.” ~ Henry Ford

Fact or Crap?

Welcome ladies and gentleman to an impromptu version of fact or crap….also known as myth or reality… truth or false…you get the idea!  Now…let’s test your skill…

1)  Fact or crap: When you have the flu, food is the last thing on your mind.

 Crap!! I was the lucky recipient of the flu or some other crazy virus last week, and all I wanted to do was eat!!! What is up with that? I missed 3 days of work, and thank goodness there wasn’t really that much to eat in the house – I would have killed it! Ended up giving in to my craving for egg salad (so weird) – but I made it so could at least control the contents.

 2)  Fact or crap:  Working in teams at the gym is not a good thing when you’ve increased your fiber intake.

Fact!! So let me paint this picture for you…increased fiber, plus having your gym partner hold your feet while you try to do as many sit-ups as possible in a minute…I think you know what comes next. I guess it was a good icebreaker…ok maybe not. Maybe “wind” breaker would be a better term to describe it. Explains why she has stayed far away from me since then…

 3) Fact or crap: I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way my clothing fits.

Crap! (Can you picture my pouty face?) Not sure why…maybe I’m still holding on to water. Maybe it’s female bloat or I swallowed to much air. (Haha I googled the last one…Swallowing too much air is an actual reason for bloat. If only it were that easy.)  Don’t feel like things are fitting any better…don’t notice a difference in my face or in my appearance.  Would have thought I would have seen a difference by now…in some ways I’d rather lose inches than weight.

 4)  And finally…fact or crap: I can now mark off weight loss goal number #2!

Fact!! Lose ten pounds. Check. Lose 11 pounds. Check. Lose 12.4 pounds. Check check!!! Woot woot!!! So excited for the loss this week! (And I have a confession…I cheated a little this week so I’m even more shocked.)

I think the total loss is why I’m a little bummed about not “noticing” it more. I know I will…I know the more I drop that scale number, the more I’ll see the difference.  I’m such an impatient person!!! Back to that ‘unable to visualize’ it thing. I’m so results driven…I’m seeing them as far as the number…but I’m so self-conscious that I think that’s why I’m in such desperation to see the difference in terms of physique.  As much as I want to sit here and try and convince myself that this isn’t all about what size I am or what I look like, it is. I’m not currently that unhealthy (that I know of) – so to say that I’m only doing this for health would be a lie. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s nothing I would love more than to look in the mirror and love what I see. Or to Baywatch it down the beach (yep…including the slow motion running through the waves with a floatation device in hand) and have it look attractive.  I’ll even settle for finally not wanting to break a dressing room mirror with its awkward angles and horrendous lighting.

I’m well aware that fixing the weight issues now will prevent issues in the future, but it’s so hard to relate to that “pain” of unhealthiness if I’m not sure that I’ve even experienced the severity of it.

I know what you’re thinking…”Just think about how much better you’ll feel…think of what you’re preventing.” Well I know that…but I have found that I’m so much more motivated by pain.  That if I associate so much pain with the way I am now, that I’ll change my ways.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been unsuccessful previously…because I’ve never had that hit rock-bottom point in terms of health.  I used to beg an ex (who will remain nameless) to please tell me that I disgusted him…To tell me that the sight of me and my excess weight made him nauseous.  He didn’t do it (thank God) – but I had convinced myself that if someone told me those horrible things, that it would motivate me to change.  Trust me…I thought the exact same things about myself, but telling myself that I was disgusting over and over again just wasn’t doing the trick.

Disclaimer…Previous statement and what I’m about to say is going to sound really disturbing…and it is in a psychological way.  Not holding anything back on this one – But just so you know, I no longer have these same thoughts.

When I’d get a stomach virus I would in a way be grateful that I might lose a few pounds as a result.  If I’d feel a weird sensation in my left arm, I’d wonder if it was a heart attack so I could finally have my wake up call. I went as far as to think that even if it was something as detrimental as cancer, that chemo would be a way to shed pounds.  (I really hate admitting that. I know many that have gone through the struggle with cancer not only is it not an easy road for the patient, but the family as well…I am by no means trying to minimize the struggle of these unfortunate maladies so I apologize if I have offended you in any way.)  I’d wish for something that would force me to change my life.  I subconsciously wanted to be backed into a corner so I had no choice but to succeed.  Why in the hell have I never been able to decide to change? Why did I want something awful to happen to me because I was too weak or lazy to do it by my own accord?

I have tried extremely hard to change my thinking.  I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve got the opportunity to fix it now before I get to the point where something awful happens.  I’m tired of beating myself up and not allowing myself to be what I know I’m capable of (and this goes beyond weight loss too).  I’ve come a long way from the old mentality.  It’s amazing what finally loving yourself does for your way of thinking….having a great therapist doesn’t hurt either!

I don’t know much, but I do know I am a magnificent person regardless of my size…and I promise you this…when I get the outside looking like the inside…WATCH OUT WORLD!

Love to you all. ~ HH

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly.  You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stuck-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” 

 ~Roald Dahl