The Cat in the Fat

 


The sun did not shine,
hadn’t shined not a blip,
For the girl the blogging world
knows as Pudge Gets A Pink Slip.

She sat there so sadly.
She sat there unhappily.
And she said, “How I wish I didn’t eat
quite so crappily.”

Too big to go out
And too fat to play ball.
So she sat at her desk
and did nothing at all.

And all she could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
And it left her feeling
Like a big lump of sh*t.

And then
Something went bump!
How that bump made her jump!

She looked!
Then she saw it pop onto her screen.
A web site
On weight loss and low-fat cuisine.
And it said to Hannah,
“C’mon, let’s break this routine.”

“I know you are chubby.
And there’s work to be done
But you can drop poundage
And still have some fun.”

“Have no fear!” said the site.
“I will not let you fail.
I will give you new confidence
when you stand on that scale.”

“In order to lose weight,
There’s two things you must do.
And I call these two things
Thing One and Thing Two.”

“Thing One is ‘eat less’
Stuff less food in your mouth.
Cuz what goes in up North
Often winds up down South.”

“‘Exercise more’ is Thing Two
And please don’t forget.
You won’t dump the plump
without sweating some sweat.”

“Follow Thing 1 and Thing 2
And you won’t stay a fat hog.
Why, if you wanted to you could
Write your own blog.”

“Chronicle your journey
as you step away from the abyss
Fill it with wisdom
(and a few stupid lists).”

So I vowed to eat right,
And I started to move.
And soon was in my own
little weight-losing groove.

And my blog’s doing great.
I may never get rich,
But it seems to have found
its own special niche.

So this cat’s on her way,
She won’t lose her grip.
You can follow my story
as Pudge Gets A Pink Slip

I hope you enjoyed this,
All silly and Seuss-y.
But I may need a lawyer,
When somebody sues me.

 

Gained last week…dammit. Figured that was going to happen…I didn’t really watch what I was eating. Had to drink 2 large containers of barium on Friday…Bottle said flavor was apple smoothie…seriously?! – I may not be a smoothie connoisseur but this was far from a smoothie. Consistency was more like phlegm (pardon me…I just gagged a little). I’m convinced the barium concrete block is still wedged in my gullet and weighing me down like an anchor.

Maybe this addiction to watching 23 hours a day of Food Network is impeding my progress…

Should perhaps get back to reading my “What Motivates Me List” that I posted last week.

In the words of the infamous, animated, blue fish – “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.”

“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.”  ~Author Unknown

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Say Cheese!!!

They say the camera adds 10 pounds…guess I need to stop eating cameras. 🙂

Know one reason I want to be skinny? I want to have a spur of the moment picture taken and not be absolutely mortified after I see it. I absolutely hate having my picture taken. Well no, that’s not entirely true…I like having it taken, I HATE seeing the end result.  I’ve never thought of myself as a photogenic person…I can make a picture look ok if I hold my head the right way or tilt my chin at the perfect angle.

Seeing a photo of myself these days makes my self-esteem drop to the lowest level possible. I have a vision of what I feel like I look like…then I see that photo and it starts…the slew of insults I give myself: “You’ve got more chins than a Chinese phonebook! You look like you’ve got an intertube around your belly! Are you storing food for the winter?! You’re 3 times the size of the other people in the picture!” And so on…I know it sounds mean…I know it sounds awful…and it is.

I need to take a class in head angles…body position…the perfect smile. I can take 2 photos 30 seconds apart and look like a completely different person from one to the other.  See below…1st picture…squirrel cheeks…2nd picture…better cheek bones and only 1 chin.

Squirrel Cheeks at the finest!

30 seconds later...only one chin!

Why does it seem like such an act of God to look attractive in a photo?  Just to clarify, I am not comparing my photogenic ability (or lack of) to that of a magazine photo of a model. I know they’re so nipped and tucked and adjusted and photoshopped…I’m talking about real life people.  My family is quite photogenic.

I’ve always been so jealous of the rest of them…my sister is amazingly beautiful. You could take a picture of her in a sweat suit with leaves in her hair and she would look amazing. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a bad picture of her. EVER…step-sister is the same…beautiful from every angle. Cousins, aunts, uncles, dad and my mom especially…all so photogenic!  What happened to me?!  I’m not calling myself ugly…I’m calling myself awkward when there’s a camera around.

Just came across an article on the 9 steps to taking a good picture….I shall share with you.

1)      Being photogenic refers to the ability of appearing very attractive in photos.  – Well, duh! If I knew how to appear very attractive would I need to read the other eight?!

2)      Focus on what you’re wearing.– Guess naked or spandex isn’t a great choice for me right now.

3)      Mind your complexion and grooming.- Well you saw my eyebrows in the picture above…as for complexion…well, where’s that number for Proactiv?

4)      Keep your face in equilibrium. – If I knew what this was…I think the right side is bigger than the left…should I turn my head to the side?

5)      Work the angles. – 90 degree tilt?

6)      Get rid of a double chin.– Supposedly resting your tongue on the roof of your mouth helps with this…it makes me look like I’m choking.

7)      Focus on your posture. – This inevitably ends up looking like I’m contorting my body…and you can see the discomfort on my face.

8)      Relax.Translates to me looking high.

9)      Think happy thoughts.  – Having my picture taken does not lead to happy thoughts…it leads to panic…and nervousness.

 Perhaps I’m being too critical. I do feel like I’ve got an above average appearance – but also feel I am automatically discounted due to my robust size. As if wearing a double-digit size automatically makes me less smart or less capable than my svelte counterparts. It shouldn’t be all about outer appearance…but for someone who has struggled so much with the negative internal dialogue, I’m ready to look at a picture of myself and be satisfied.

If I’m going to get to that point though, I have to refocus. I’m struggling with concentration. Diet has been all over the place the last week. Same with the exercise….I think I can, I think I can….still went down a little.

I will not let myself stop moving forward.  Still having a hard time with the planning part. Seems like I need to get back into checklist world again to get myself started…My focus has apparently been on Spring Break…school is back in session. On the syllabus this week – getting under 230.

“I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.” ~ Shelley Winters