Old Hannah vs. New Hannah

I’m baaaaaaack.

A bit of time in Miami had me distracted from my typical posts…but no fear! I am here again.

If it weren’t for the blonde hair, I might not have looked like such a tourist. Ok I lie…the blonde hair was just the start…the fact that my accent turns heads and my Spanish vocabulary consists of only the words gracias, burrito and cerveza doesn’t help either.  With that being said, a southern accent takes you a long way in a place like Miami!

My Happy Place...I stayed 100 yards from here.

Covering a territory from Baltimore to South Beach certainly does have its benefits every once in a while. Despite being there for work related reasons, the trip was amazing, the weather even more amazing, and the company even more amazing than that.

I am now addicted to Cuban food and likely have mojito running through my veins. I dream of 100% humidity and palm trees. That turquoise ocean, that powder white sand…that climate….I was definitely in paradise. But unfortunately, I ate a ton while I was there. And by ton, I mean that I ate enough to send Jenny Craig off the side of the nearest bridge. Not having a kitchen, not being 100% familiar with my surroundings, and late nights at the office made for bad choices on the menu.

I did, however, manage to not completely unravel my progress though….

Not a ton of momentum in the last 2 weeks…but hell, it’s not a gain!

And while in the land of beautiful people…where butt implants and boob jobs are offered at 2 for 1 deals…I discovered how much different I am.

Old Hannah would have been afraid to go to South Beach…to go outside her comfort zone. New Hannah grabbed it by the balls and relished in every second of it.

Old Hannah lacked even the smallest amount of confidence when she walked into a room full of strangers. New Hannah (although sometimes needing some reassurance) put on her strappy 3-inch sandals and strut her stuff right through the crowd.

Old Hannah trusted few and let her guard down for even fewer. New Hannah has learned to trust again.

Old Hannah had little faith in her ability to accomplish anything. New Hannah is 71% of the way to her goal.

Old Hannah felt weak and worthless. New Hannah knows how incredibly strong she is. And how incredibly worthy she is as well.

Old Hannah struggled to feel normal after every meal. New Hannah lives proudly and successfully with Celiac Disease…and has never felt better!

Old Hannah was a size 20. New Hannah is a size 10.

Old Hannah ate when she was emotional, bored, sad, or happy. New Hannah eats when she’s hungry.

Old Hannah settled for far less than the best. New Hannah is starting to uncover the best. And she will have it.

Old Hannah was broken and battered. New Hannah is strong and secure.

Old Hannah was worried about things that were beyond her control…Things that would keep her up at night. New Hannah knows that anything that comes her way will never be more than she can handle…one day at a time.

Old Hannah hid under the covers, dreading what each day would put in front of her. New Hannah wakes up every day with a smile on her face.

Old Hannah was told she was just a pretty face. New Hannah knows she is sooooo much more than that.

Old Hannah let minor setbacks affect her for days or weeks at a time. New Hannah deals with them and moves on.

Old Hannah let her life pass her by. New Hannah is making it count.

Old Hannah thought she knew what happiness was. New Hannah knows her lifetime of divine, complete happiness is only beginning…

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”  ~ Carl Jung

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Listen to the Tim’s…

Have you missed me?! A computer crash topped off by a million other issues unfortunately left me silent last week.  No fear…I’m back and better than ever!  As in “Let’s celebrate the next major milestone” better!

70 pounds gone! 70 pounds of hatred, self destruction and self-sabotage gone! 70 pounds of depression and negativity out the window! My mind is in a better place than it’s ever been, but unfortunately this week, my heart is hurting….

In the last few days I have had two unfortunate examples of our inevitable mortality. I am relieved to say that I did not lose anyone, but the reminder that life as we know it can change in an instant has been all too in my face over the last few days.

The two situations could not be more different…One an 85 year old, walking encyclopedia who happens the most gentle, most chivalrous man I have ever known. He is the biggest role model in my life and he is also my grandfather…my Poppy Doc.

 

The other is a 32 year old wife and mother who has fought the most courageous battle with cancer. She has held her head high, she has never given up hope and she is one of the most selfless, inspirational people I’ve ever met.

Though the circumstances are different…they both have sent my mind into a whirlwind. I inevitably started thinking about the way I’d been living my life. Was I doing everything I could everyday? Was I finally living my life the right way?

“Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows.” 

– Pope Paul VI

Only so many tomorrows….kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?

Living in the moment led me to do a lot of things I wouldn’t have otherwise done. Living in the moment led me down a path of personal annihilation. With no regard for my desire for ‘tomorrow’, I ignored my needs for far too long.

Living should be done with purpose…with conviction.  Tim McGraw sang it with his “Live Like You Were Dying” ballad…Tim Robbins said it in Shawshank Redemption: “You better get busy living or get busy dying.”

So listen to the Tim’s!

Do It Now:  There is no better time than the present. This very moment. Start living your better life now.  Whatever it is…exercising, no more smoking, saving yourself from an abusive relationship, rekindling a friendship, telling that special someone that you love them…whatever you can do to put yourself in a better place, do it. Don’t wait…there are only so many tomorrows.

Seize the Opportunity: Take these opportunities when they appear. Don’t live your life with regrets. Don’t look back and wish you had taken that job or gone on that vacation. Don’t keep your feelings for your loved ones to yourself. Find your happiness. Believe that being joyful is worth it and do what it takes to get yourself there. The little things in your life can make a big difference. Taking some risks can pay off…but you never know unless you try…seize it now….there are only so many tomorrows.

Hold Onto It: Whatever you do…Never Give Up. “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” – Thomas Edison

My success at this whole weight loss thing has proven this theory to me. I didn’t give up and I still have no plan to.  Keep pushing…keep your head held high through the most difficult of circumstances. The road may be a treacherous one…but the finish line is worth the journey even if you can’t see that now. Don’t stop short….keep going today…there are only so many tomorrows.

Know Thyself: You must know yourself inside and out. You must know what makes you happy…what makes you feel beautiful and complete…what makes you feel loved…and you must find your way to these things. I know too many people who simply don’t know themselves, and I was one of these people not that long ago.

After all this time pursuing my own self-discovery, I have ‘discovered’ that it is more about being comfortable with who you are rather than discovering what you actually are. In doing so you will, as I have, accept who you are, what you are and where you are.

This, my friends, is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I have discovered my ideal life…the ideal life that makes me happy when I wake up in the morning, and leaves me fulfilled when I lay my head on the pillow at night. This is an ideal life that I choose for myself, not one dictated by society or others’ opinions.

I am finally being true to myself…I am finally living my life with purpose and not just by accident.

At the end of the day, your life will be what you make of it. We come into this world with our genetics, our family and our personalities…we leave with our legacy.

Who knows what our impact will be. Who knows what we will leave behind for generations to follow. We have this one life…this one chance to leave no stone unturned. This one opportunity to make our time on Earth worth every minute.

Make it count now..Do It. Seize It. Hold Onto It. Know it….

For there are only so many tomorrows….

 

Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours.

– Swedish Proverb

Wake Up!

First off – so sorry for no post last night. I’ve apparently still got Eggnog brain (actually…no I don’t…eggnog disgusts me)…so take two: I’ve apparently still got sugar plum brain and didn’t even realize that yesterday was Monday. Oops.

With that being said, I hope that all of you had an amazing Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa or whatever else you might celebrate. I hope you received everything you asked for.

Santa left me with a few extra presents that I didn’t ask for…one being a little of his big round belly. Thanks for the poundage, Kris Kringle! Next year you’re getting celery sticks and not cookies.

 

He also left me with a weird attitude. The right side of my brain is the new-found positive me. The left side of my brain is the old negative, condescending me. Why?!  I thought the left side was gone. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get to sleep in my own bed on Christmas Eve. Maybe it’s because I gained a little bit of weight. Who knows…I just wish it would go. This negativity scares me. I’ll catch myself questioning whether or not I’ve truly made any progress. What the hell am I talking about? I’ve lost 50 pounds. Way, way more than I’ve ever lost at one time in my life. Why do I question my progress? Why do I discount myself? Why do I feel less beautiful today than I did a week ago?

Maybe my focus waned a little bit over the holiday and my fear of reverting back to my old ways is allowing some of this negativity in. I’ve got to wake up and stay focused on me. This whole journey is about me. This roller coaster ride of life is taking its toll. I’ve got to wake up and focus on what this is all about. I’ve got to wake up and focus on how far I’ve come. I’ve got to wake up and focus on the continuing to make progress. I cannot stop now. Wake up, Hannah.

Wake up.

There’s a new day waiting for me and it’s passing me by while I lay under the covers until the last minute every morning, wishing the world would go away. But the world’s not going anywhere. The world always keeps turning, it’s always spinning…the world doesn’t care if it continues to move with me or without me.  I’ve been in the dark so long that the world has just about forgotten all about me. Maybe it’s time to make it remember.

It’s time to get up and start moving.

Time to move toward my dreams. Time to move toward the life I know I want and deserve. I’ve wasted day after day, year after year, but it just doesn’t matter. Yesterday is gone, and today is right here, so bright and beautiful and full of possibility but…

My life gets in the way. I’ve got deadlines and responsibilities. I’ve got conference calls and reports. I’ve got sales tracking and inventory inquiries. I don’t have enough time to get everything done.

But wait…
Do I really think I’m the only one with deadlines and responsibilities, pressures and complications?

Sure, life is hectic, hectic, hectic, and there’s never enough time to do everything.  But, there’s always enough time to do the most important thing, and right now the most important thing is for me to GET UP.

Get up and start moving.

Get up and start living.

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself so long that I think that’s how I’m destined to feel.

Of course my life could be so much better.

So I’ve got to make it better.

It is within me to grab the reins of my life and take control. I have started to do so for the last 50 pounds. I cannot and will not stop now. There is still half the journey left to go. No, it won’t be easy. Did I honestly expect it would be? But I know it will be worth it. I know that this isn’t where I want to be, where I am meant to be.

I can lie where I am, feeling sorry for myself or I can get up and make something out of this beautiful day. I didn’t get where I am overnight, and it won’t get better in a matter of days… but it will get better. I know in my heart of hearts it will get better.

 

I’ve been hiding under the covers for far too long.

 

It’s time for me to wake up.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ~ Joe Lewis

Six Months

Six months ago I was a different person…

Six months ago, every single thing I ate sat like a lead balloon in my gullet.

Six months ago, everything I ate also was subsequently returned in violent fashion to the porcelain throne.

Six months ago, eating resulted in such ungodly pain in my side that I’m now convinced I know what the pain of an AK-47 shot to the flank feels like.

Six months ago, even eating one bite led to such extreme stomach distention, you’d think I was mocking Violet from Willy Wonka without the delicious grape color.

Six months ago, the pain in my joints was so severe I was only able to function on a daily basis with a fabulous cocktail of muscle relaxers and painkillers.

Six months ago, my skin was so blotchy and itchy I was starting to believe that I was allergic to fresh air.

Six months ago, my skin was so dry that soaking in a tub for an hour barely moisturized the top layer.

Six months ago, I was so irritable I didn’t even want to be around myself.

Six months ago, I had yet another person tell me they couldn’t find anything wrong with me and after 11 years of issues, it must absolutely be in my head.

Six months ago, I was at the end of my rope.

Six months ago, I met the doctor that changed my life.

Six months ago I was introduced to Celiac Disease…

Happy 6-Month Anniversary to my diagnosis!  Never thought hearing my doctor say, “You have an autoimmune disease” would turn out to be such a blessing.

I never imagined feeling this amazing. I never imagined feeling this healthy or this complete. I never imagined waking up each and every day and having no fear that eating breakfast was going to leave me doubled over in pain for hours.  I never imagined a life free of bloat and tummy troubles.

And I most certainly never imagined being out of the 200’s…so, so close!

 

Thinking back six months – I certainly never expected to still be moving in the right direction with my weight loss or my overall physical and mental transformation.  Six months ago I expected to fail as I had every other time.

Six months have changed my life….

The road has not always been smooth or flat. The path to enlightenment has not always been clearly marked. There are times when it seemed I was moving away from who I am much more than moving toward what I want to be.

Six months have changed my life….

Many have ventured on this journey before me. Many have faced obstacles of health, physical impairment or mental reluctance. All have faced the same fear and uncertainty that I face every day.

Six months have changed my life….

These last six months have taught me that the blessing isn’t that I find my way to the finish line….it’s that I had the courage to start.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.– Maria Robinson

If the Scale Could Talk…

I secretly (well, not so secretly anymore) have this fear that when I step on my scale that I’m going to hear it let out a huge moan or scream in pain.

I fear I’m going to hear the scale yell “Only one at a time!” or “I can’t breathe!”  Or one of these other random thoughts:

  • “Get off! Get off! Get off!”
  • “They say any loss is a good loss. How’s about -.00001 lbs.?”
  • “Here comes the pain!”
  • “Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.”
  • “When you lose, you take all the credit; when you gain, ya blame me!”
  • “On the moon, you’d only weigh 43 pounds.”
  • “Why don’t you try again… maybe it’ll be drastically lower.”
  • “And you thought nobody saw you eat those chips…”
  • “Good news: you’re still beating anorexia!”
  • “Does this number make you look fat?”
  • “Tippin’ is encouraged. Get it, get it? Tippin’ the scales… ah, you don’t know funny.”
  • “Are you a glutton for punishment or just a regular glutton?”
  • “For God’s sake–will you please put on some underwear?”
  • “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….”
  • “Let’s say we just call it two hundred and plenty?”
  • “Say, are you losing weight?

 

Why yes, yes I am!

I’m trying with all of my might to stay focused lately. Have a lot going on and a lot of change happening in my life. And I absolutely SUCK when it comes to change.  I let it get the best of me when I need to focus on the fact that the change is what’s best for me in the first place. I don’t like the boat to be rocked…I don’t like disruption in my routine and my habits. I’ll do the same thing over and over again just to avoid being uncomfortable or having to worry about the unknown.  I’ll stay in the same rut forever just to avoid that fear. And in the last few days I’ve really realized that everything I do or change or adjust isn’t scary to me because the change is irresponsible or unwarranted…it’s scary to me because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I know what’s best for me. I don’t trust that I am in control of my happiness or my destiny. I keep looking for someone else to tell me these things. Looking for someone else to give me a sign or a signal or someone else to give me permission to want things to be different.  I keep searching for a billboard or a commercial with the answer. I’ve wasted so much time looking…wasted so much time waiting for it to hit me in the face.

It’s been within me all along.  The answer to finding myself has been here the whole time. The will to change, the motivation to change, the ability to change…it’s all inside me.  I have to trust myself or I will never overcome life’s obstacles.

I feel like I am on the verge of greatness…not sure how or in what capacity, but I feel in my gut that something big is coming. Something life-changing.  (And no, not in a creepy psychic way.)

I’m trying to harbor this feeling…trying to enjoy the mild excitement of the unknown.  Trying to believe that regardless of what happens, I’ll be ok in the end.  I’m going to trust that I’m on my way to where I want to be and what I want to become…and that change is what’s going to get me there.

I have to remember that change is what’s gotten me down 44 lbs. I have to remember just how far I was from who I wanted to be…and every day I am a step closer to the person I am trying to become.   And while I may still have a hard time trying to accept success, I am no longer prepared to quit…I am destined to win.

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”  ~Mary Engelbreit