Side Effects May Include….

I’ve always had the mantra that you should never take a prescription that has more side effects than you have symptoms. As a result of my little ER visit last week, I have been on painkillers pretty consistently for the last week.  (Yes, dad…legally prescribed.)  While I am glad to say that the medication was not quite riddled with side effects like some of these 8 minute commercials that play non-stop during CBS Sunday Morning (no oily leakage, thrush or erections lasting 4 hours), it did have some interesting properties…

Side effects include (but of course are not limited to): ITCHING…guess that wasn’t un-lotioned skin afterall; ABNORMAL SNORING…as opposed to my normal fat girl snore?; CONFUSION…haha this is a side effect of my everyday life; HALLUCINATIONS…I swear the cupcakes threatened my family if I didn’t eat them…all of them; MENTAL OR MOOD CHANGES…was completely and utterly convinced that I was hungry ALL THE TIME…I swear – I ate like I was about to be thrown in a dungeon for 6 months. Ridiculous-ness!

So glad to finally have all of it out of my system…I no longer feel like I rolled around in poison ivy and the cupcakes are no longer speaking to me. Now that the “painkiller fog” has cleared, I need to do some serious re-evaluating of my plan.

To assist me with staying focused, I purchased a book recently to help me stay on track…It’s an amazing resource and I highly recommend it. The book is called the 100 Days of Weight Loss: A Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan. It’s basically a daily devotional to one’s weight loss journey. There’s an activity every day, and I wanted to share one of the first ones with you.

I’ve struggled of late with motivation and keeping my mind on the prize.  One of the required activities is to write down the 25 reasons that I want to lose weight…no matter how insignificant or trivial they may seem. I touched on these briefly in one of my first blog posts…but for my own benefit wanted to really come up with a complete list.

There are seemingly a million reasons why we want to lose weight, from the frivolous to the serious, from fun and games to life and death. Some of us want it for ourselves and others for those around us. Some because they want more out of this life and some because they expect more out of themselves. These are my reasons.  This is what drives me down this path to living a more healthy life. This is my motivation.  (And yes…there are 33…so sue me – I overachieved a little.)

  1. Because it’s a pain to de-tag all the fat photos on Facebook.
  2. Tired of breaking a sweat thinking about exercising. Might as well break a sweat actually exercising.
  3. Can’t see my girl parts without bending waaaaaay over. (Sorry for the visual, family members.)
  4. So that my bathroom towel will actually fit around me.
  5. So I can sit on someone’s lap without crippling them for life.
  6. I want to be more than just a pretty face.
  7. I want to live…and love living.
  8. So a number, size, mirror, boy, weight limit, etc. will NEVER again define who I am.
  9. I want to feel pretty again.
  10. To separate my conjoined thighs.
  11. Because I lived the first 29 years as a slug.
  12. To feel strong.
  13. I want to be the person the people who love me think I am.
  14. I want to respect myself.
  15. Because wheezing is not sexy.
  16. I want to be healthy for my unborn children.
  17. I want to be that crazy chick that runs in the rain.
  18. So I can feel confident again.
  19. So I can shop in all the fun stores.
  20. Getting fit is cheaper than therapy.
  21. Because an early and painful death isn’t a better option.
  22. Because I’m tired of avoiding mirrors.
  23. I have no room for a heart attack on my agenda.
  24. Because I am worth it…and so is my family.
  25. Because I’m too cute for any less.
  26. To stop being scared of lawn chairs.
  27. Because I not only have a shelf ass…I have the whole baker’s rack!
  28. Because I want to turn heads.
  29. I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room anymore.
  30. I want to wear shorts, and not be a walking ad for cottage cheese.
  31. I want to look good from every angle.
  32. Because I cannot keep pretending that I don’t mind being fat.
  33. And finally… I finally realized that being unhealthy only hurts me. And I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

I am going to print out my list and post it everywhere (book suggested I do so). Focus has waned a little, but constantly reminding myself why I’m doing this to begin with is an enormous help.

With that being said, what is YOUR motivation to change things in your life…whether it be weight or another bad habit?

No, genius, that is not a rhetorical question…I want to hear from you. Seriously.  So get to commenting! Or emailing or texting…whatever floats your boat. But I want your input! 🙂

Scale results for the week are in the right direction despite eating everything in sight…would like to get back to the losses I had at the beginning.

Trying to convince myself that liposuction is not easier….I think.

Looking forwad to hearing some of your responses!  Until next time…love to all. ~ HH

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And the quote today is in honor of my great-grandmother, Mama Laura, who would have been 97 today….

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where in the hell she is.” ~ Ellen Degeneres

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Hospital Gown Couture

I’ve never been a follower of high fashion…but boy did I get the opportunity to sport one of the world’s finest garments over the weekend…got top-of-the-line evening wear called the hospital gown.

As if it isn’t enough that you already don’t feel well when you’re forced to wear one of these things…then you’re required to put on the most ungodly, unflattering piece of fabric ever invented. I am convinced that even Brooklyn Decker would look horrendous in a hospital gown. Surely whoever invented them never had to wear one.

I now know why everyone in the ER looks sick…put that awful spoiled, split-pea soup color on anyone and they’d look queasy. Couldn’t the gown at least be a pleasant color…a happy color? Something that doesn’t remind you of cafeteria vegetables or boogers?

Hospital gowns come in three sizes: short, shorter, and don’t bend over. I got to wear the third one…yes, the don’t bend over version. Who designed these things anyway? A doctor that got some kind of amusement out of seeing patients waddle around in socks and a pseudo-shirt with two strings in the back and their butts exposed?

Okay – I admit it – I’m modest. If I had wanted to be a stripper or taken up some other exotic profession, I would be doing it. However, I’m not – I’m a curvy woman who doesn’t like exposing her body to strange people – even in an emergency. I do not like having my rear end or anything else exposed and spent most of my time trying to make sure all points are secured just in case there is a windstorm in the hospital.

I guess the rear end needs to be easy to access in the event an emergency occurs, or an injection is needed…which it was…twice. Thankfully by a female nurse who subsequently got to hear my excuse for unshaven legs (she kept assuring me she’d seen worse) and dry, pale skin.

In an environment that is so stressful and serious, seeing patients walking around in comfy outfits would be an instant way to improve the mood a little…bedazzle them…cover them in Spongebob Squarepants or Strawberry Shortcake…something to not have everything so dull and depressing!

Side note: Having large arms sucks in a medical setting as well. On more than one occasion I had my left arm in a vice called the blood pressure cuff which was crushing what was left of my bicep. I pointed out to them that I thought I was being strangled by the blood pressure cuff but they assured me this was ‘normal’ (in whose world?)

I realize that medicine is a tough business – it is hard to meet and greet complete strangers and look at personal parts of their bodies – and not throw up sometimes. Or it must be hard on the nerves to work on people and do intimate things to them without acting scared or horrified that you’ve just cut the wrong thing for instance!

It’s probably not fun either to deal with sagging bodies, flatulent old ladies, and people who are terrified of having anyone do ‘things’ to their bodies – but come on. Dignity should start WAY before dying – we are not inanimate objects here. We are feeling, breathing people – we were before we came in to the ER.

The least some hoity, toity medical company could do is come up with something to wear that doesn’t make you feel like less of a human being. I think the fabric has got to be 100% Egyptian cotton…….or Italian linen would be nice….Armani, do you need a charity, honey?  Any type of garment with full coverage would be better. Make it like a comfortable pair of pajamas with conveniently placed access points. Hell, the lingerie industry has figured out the “easy access” concept. Even standard boxers have access. Shouldn’t be that difficult to create for a medical setting….Million dollar idea, perhaps?!

From the result on the scale this morning, there was at least less butt to expose! Finally lost more than an ounce or two!

And when this is all over…I WILL look like Brooklyn Decker in a hospital gown. Now if I could only get Andy Roddick to return my calls….

“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” ~ Dolly Parton