Law & Disorder

Who’s in favor of the fat tax? Don’t you want to pay a surcharge for fattening foods or beverages?

As if some of the legal aspects of this country weren’t crazy enough (ahem…Casey Anthony anyone?) – here are some of the ridiculous, yet slightly humorous statutes from a few states in the US.

  • Arkansas:  No person shall drive a motor vehicle onto the premises of a drive-in restaurant and leave the premises without parking such motor vehicle, unless there is no unoccupied parking space available on the premises. – So does that make it unlawful to go through a drive-thru?
  • California: In Los Angeles, It is not legal to bathe two babies at the same time in the same tub. – Ummm…has Octomom been arrested yet?
  • California: In Riverside, Kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance.- Oh yeah…I’m sure this happens.
  • Illinois: A state law requires that a man’s female companion shall call him “master” while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples. – Alright girls…make sure to call him master. Until you get married that is.
  • Illinois: It is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar. – Is this a problem in their state?
  • Indiana: It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. – Well maybe they can have cigars since my cat can’t.
  • Kansas: In Topeka, Servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups. – I’ve never had wine in a teacup…think I might try that.
  • Maryland: In Baltimore, It is illegal to take a lion to the movies. – Thank goodness I can still take my tiger!
  • New York: It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun. – Can’t baseball technically be considered a violation of this law?
  • New York:  A man cannot be seen in public while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. – Thank goodness! Although NY strikes me as one of the last places you’d have to worry about this…Greensboro needs this law.
  • New York:  You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand. – As opposed to your feet?
  • North Carolina: It is illegal to hold more than two sessions of bingo per week, and those sessions may not exceed 5 hours each session. – Nursing homes, pay attention!
  • Ohio: It is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face. – Remind me not to move to Ohio in the winter!
  • Oklahoma: It Is Illegal To Have A sleeping Donkey In Your Bathtub After 7pm – Good thing my donkey is awake in the bathtub after 7pm.
  • West Virginia: You may not profanely curse or swear or get drunk in public, or you shall be fined by a justice one dollar for each offense. – Well hell…I’d be broke.
  • Wisconsin: The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited. – Only in Wisconsin!
  • Wisconsin: No rider of a bicycle shall remove both hands from the handlebars or practice any trick or fancy riding in any street in the city. – Look, mom! No Hands! Now look! I’m in jail!

You know what else should be illegal?! My freaking weight gain this week!!

 

And here’s where the ‘disorder’ comes in….I’m struggling a bit with something that I thought had hibernated for good.

No, my stomach isn’t hurting…and I’m not having digestive issues. But that’s exactly the problem. I’m not having any issues with eating at all. So why is this an issue?…well…because I’m wanting to eat everything in sight!!!

I cannot remember the last time that I have felt this good. I thought that it was normal to feel like you were turning inside out after eating. So I didn’t do it as much when I was at my sickest. Now that all of that’s gone, my small appetite has gone with it. Thankfully, I can’t eat like I used to. Can’t just raid the pantry or the fridge…can’t run through the drive-thru at McDonald’s….can’t destroy a bucket of fried chicken. I’m too scared of cross-contamination to gorge myself on Mexican food. Having to eat gluten-free has greatly reduced what I can pig out on. I have managed to destroy any popcorn or cheese that has come through the threshold of my house!  Red meat – come to mama! Cool Whip – I’ve annihilated it! All of it!

My food infatuations of late haven’t been all bad…I’m currently on a ridiculous garbanzo bean dependence. At least those are good for me!  If it could be delivered via IV…I’d be first in line. Ok, maybe not. But I have eaten them at every meal the last few days. Here are a few of the scrumptious, gluten-free culinary creations I’ve indulged in….

Don’t those dishes look delicious! They tasted amazing too! And to answer the question you’re currently asking yourself…yes, I will cook for you anytime!

I have the most debilitating fear of falling back into the wrath of my compulsive overeating disorder. I’m not at that point…And I don’t think I’m near that point, but I’m so afraid that because I’m not doubled over in pain after eating something that I won’t be able to stop once I start. Unlike the past, I am very aware of this fear. Perhaps this is the time that I finally persevere through something that clouded so much of my adult life, and led to so much self-loathing.

Despite my weight gain (dammit!) this week, I am not discouraged. I finally realize that food and body obsession rob women (and men) of their power. If we are so focused on what we look like, our attention can’t be invested in more important endeavors: contributing in meaningful ways to the healing of ourselves, our communities, our world. Conversely, moving away from food and body obsession provides the perfect training ground for learning the skills we need to take back our lives and develop our power in the world.

This whole journey is not about just losing weight. It’s about finding an incredibly vital, loving, wise spirit within me as I, patiently and sometimes trembling with uncertainty, strip away years of self-rejection and self-contempt. I am starting to peel the pain away by taking care of myself: eating the foods I want to eat, standing up for myself when I need to, and letting myself grieve for the waste of life that the connection between being “skinny” and “loved” has meant for me, and I’m sure many others going through the same struggle.

The fear of failure has been high, but the risk for personal freedom is worth it. I feel it is a crucial step in learning self-acceptance – identifying who I am, what I feel; rewriting my internal rule book; challenging what I have learned about what a woman should be, about my body, my appetites, my needs, and wants. Learning to accept what I think and feel as being okay – as being the “norm” for my world – has been nothing short of miraculous. It hasn’t been an easy road, but it is certainly worth every minute.

 

“When I was in grade school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, I told them they didn’t understand life.”

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Good. Gooder. Bestest.

Those of you that read last week’s blog know I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease…If you didn’t know, or didn’t read the blog – SHAME ON YOU!! (Click here for the rundown.) In honor of the fact that I’m feeling much better, and to play off of my post from a few weeks ago – this week’s topic explores the GOOD…the GOODER (yes – I know this is not actually a word)…and the BESTEST (despite what I originally thought – bestest is a word in the dictionary. Learn something new every day!) facets of weight loss.

GOOD: You want to lose weight.

GOODER: You look for guidance and motivation to keep you going on your journey.

BESTEST: You check out my blog every week to know that there is someone else out there fighting the same battle.

 

GOOD: You walked a mile on the treadmill.

GOODER: You ran a 5K on the treadmill.

BESTEST: You made it to the end of the treadmill.

 

GOOD: A co-worker commented on your weight loss.

GOODER: A friend you haven’t seen in a while is shocked at how great you look.

BESTEST: Your mother makes you show her some ID.

 

GOOD: You buy lots of produce at the grocery store.

GOODER: You buy organic produce at the grocery store.

BESTEST: You grow your own vegetables…in your bathtub.

 

GOOD: Salad for lunch.

GOODER: Salad for dinner.

BESTEST: Salad for breakfast.

 

GOOD: You’re taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

GOODER: You’re biking to work instead of driving.

BESTEST: You’ve decided to swim to your European vacation.

 

GOOD: You do 50 sit-ups every day.

GOODER: You do 50 sit-ups every hour.

BESTEST: You never stop doing sit-ups.

 

GOOD: You do Yoga, Pilates or Zumba.

GOODER: You do Yoga, Pilates and Zumba.

BESTEST: You do Yoga, Pilates and Zumba, all at the same time.

 

GOOD: You achieved your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.

GOODER: You exceeded your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.

BESTEST: Your activity level melted your heart rate monitor.

 

GOOD: You have to cut back on cupcakes because of Gluten-free restrictions.

GOODER: You find a Gluten-Free bakery in town.

BESTEST: Your incredible sister bakes you a batch of the most delicious GF cupcakes with a dark chocolate ganache frosting so you won’t be left out when dessert is served.

 

 

GOOD: You watch what you eat.

GOODER: You don’t think twice about making a healthier choice when eating out.

BESTEST: You’ve lost the bad habits that got you in trouble in the first place. (Thank you, Celiac Disease!)

 

GOOD: Your clothes are a bit looser.

GOODER: You have to make a new hole for your belt buckle.

BESTEST: You have to buy suspenders to keep from mooning innocent bystanders.

 

GOOD: Eating healthier has opened the door to trying new vegetables.

GOODER: Your day consists of compiling a list 101 ways to cook a rutabaga.

BESTEST: You can now name every vegetable in the cruciferous family and accurately describe every aspect of their taxonomy.

 

GOOD: You feel comfortable being in public in a swimsuit.

GOODER: You feel comfortable being in public in a bikini.

BESTEST: Hello, nude beach!

 

GOOD: You drink 8 glasses of water a day.

GOODER: You drink your body weight in ounces of water daily.

BESTEST: Your city has just re-instated drought level water restrictions as the result of your daily intake.

 

GOOD: You’ve lost 10 pounds.

GOODER: You’ve lost 20 pounds.

BESTEST: You’ve lost 10% of your starting weight!!!

Not having any trouble with cooking at home, but I’m desperately missing the convenience I once had in terms of finding something to eat. Gone are the days of blindly going out to eat without doing research ahead of time…gone are the quick last minute trips through a drive thru to grab lunch on the go…gone are the days of recovering from a hangover with a chicken biscuit and a regular coke. (I know that accounts for about a zillion calories, but sometimes you’ve just got to grease it up to get yourself back to normal!)

I am now forced to be acutely aware of everything and everyone that might have touched my food. I have to guard my food to prevent someone from sticking their contaminated fork in my potato to have a bite. (Sorry dad – had to call you out on this one!)

I have to trust where I’m going to eat…have to trust that the person preparing my food doesn’t say “Gluten what?” and then proceed to grab my food immediately after touching a hamburger bun. I know that there’s probably a pretty good chance that everything will be ok…but right now, I’m not willing to take the risk. I’m not willing to undo what I’ve already done.

Why am I so OCD about it? Well…I cannot even begin to describe how amazing I have felt for the last week. Sticking to a very strict GF diet has done wonders for my digestive system, my energy level, and my skin, believe it or not. Do I miss bread, fried chicken, Campbell’s soup and licking envelopes? (Yep…the envelope lick-y part could contain trace amounts of gluten.) No I do not. Don’t miss the pasta, don’t miss crackers, don’t miss gravy…To go from feeling as awful as I felt for the last decade, and especially the last 6 months to feeling absolutely incredible – I don’t miss any of it…not for one second!

In honor of my digestive rebirth – I will leave you with this:

GOOD: You finally found out what’s been plaguing you health wise.

GOODER: You start to feel better after “treatment”.

BESTEST: You feel better than you have in 15 years!

 “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” ~ Sir Winston Churchill

You Know You’re Out of Shape When…

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Well today was the first day with the trainer…I know…so romantic! I really contemplated not going this morning at 5am when the alarm went off.  Not only was I worried about how badly I was going to hurt afterwards, but it was about 3 hours before my normal wake up time.

I sucked it up and went, though…and I’m glad. I definitely think it’s going to be a great opportunity for me to have a qualified individual push me outside my comfort zone.  I thought it was a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday thing…wrong. It’s Monday thru Friday. What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. The way my legs are feeling right now, however…I’m thinking it might kill me.

Otherwise…this past week was a relatively uneventful one. I did allow myself a cold beer (or 4) over the weekend…still managed a loss this week, although not a huge one.

Close to that 10-pound mark!!! I can taste it! (Ok…do not reward with food, Ms. Hayes….I can feel it – there that’s better!)

The post tonight is going to be a short one…I’m exhausted and know that alarm is going to go off sooner than I want it to. I will however, hone my inner Dave Letterman and leave you with a Top 10 list…

Here are the Top 10 Signs You’re Out of Shape:

10. Taco Bell sends you “Thank You” notes.

9. You cramp up while watching the NYC Marathon.

8. There is no combination of bread and cheese that you wouldn’t kill a man for.

7. You’ve ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.

6. When you look down in the shower all you see is belly and the tip of your second toe.

5. Your legs rub together so much that you’re not allowed to enter California for fear of starting fires.

4. Your knees left a suicide note on the bathroom counter.

3. You have a 0% chance of putting on your shoes without sitting in a chair.

2. You were passed at your last 5K by the 7 year old kid picking of the cones at the end of the race.

1. If you add your blood pressure reading to your cholesterol count, you get a number between seven   and eight hundred…thousand.

Hoping to be less sore the next time I type…until then…much love! ~ HH

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.”

I’m not hungry…

That’s right – I’m not hungry…and I ate way, way too little last week. Whether it was stress from the 107 page report I’ve been working on for the last few weeks or the fear of gaining weight, who knows. And when I say I’m not hungry…I mean if I didn’t eat for 2 days I don’t think I’d notice. So, you may ask…why in the hell is a fat girl worried about eating too little?!

Well…for one – I know that I absolutely killed my metabolism this week.  I’m sure everything I did eat is being stored in some pocket on my hips like a squirrel in winter, since my body has no clue when I’m going to feed it again. With that being said, I do want to mention – I did not intentionally starve myself. Trust me – I have this scary relationship with food so any time I even think that I might be hungry I’ll eat.

Aside from a metabolism that’s now as slow as a herd of turtles stampeding through a sea of peanut butter, why is my under-eating a big deal…well (confession time)…I have been fighting a battle with a Compulsive Overeating Disorder for the last 10 years. Food is my nemesis. It is my greatest enemy, my greatest fear, the apparition that has haunted my life and stolen my serenity, that taught me to hate myself – something I have treated as a “friend” for the last decade without realizing how much I was betraying myself by continuing the “friendship.”  Compulsive overeating is like bulimia without the puking. There is quite a difference in being stuffed after Thanksgiving Dinner and the hell I experienced.

Food consumed my every thought. When I was eating breakfast, I was thinking about what I was going to have for lunch…When I was eating lunch, I was thinking about what I was going to have for dinner.

I would polish off an entire box (yes that’s right, I said box) of popcorn. I’d go to McDonalds and be undecided between a #1, 2 or 3 so I’d get all 3 of them and eat every bite. If I thought I might like Taco Bell for dinner, I would not stop thinking about it until I had eaten it…often times despite the fact that I had already gone out to dinner with others.  I would purposefully wrap all of the containers and bags up as small as I could and stop where no one knew me and throw the “evidence” away. I’ve even snuck food into the bathroom before, turning the fan on so no one could hear the food wrappers rattling. I’d eat until I felt ill. I was like a meth addict with a less deadly substance. Well…maybe not less deadly…but instead of killing myself quickly I was doing it one forkful at a time.

At its worst, I was probably consuming 10,000 calories a day. I had lost the ability to determine what full felt like…I didn’t even know what hungry felt like. When I lived alone, it only fueled the disease, allowing me a safe haven to eat as much as I wanted without anyone being able to judge me.  I felt guilty for not being “good enough,” shame for being overweight, and had a very low self-esteem… Needing approval and validation I turned to obsessive episodes of binging and eating as a way to forget the pain and the desire for affection.  As sick as it sounds, I used to pray that I would somehow have the willpower to be anorexic…I wanted so badly to be able to just stop eating altogether. I was on a train going 500 miles an hour that wouldn’t stop.

Through some intense therapy, the very worst of the disorder has been behind me for a few years – but it still rears its ugly head every once in a while. I’ve very conscious of it now, and conscious of some of  my triggers. I even had to completely stop watching the Food Network for a while (wow that sounds really stupid to type) because watching food made me think I needed to eat, which in turn led to binging.

So, the fact that I am not hungry right now is somewhat of an unusual sensation. Unusual as it may be, it’s a godsend. It’s such an amazing feeling to not be thinking about food 24/7…Yes I need to get my calorie intake to a metabolically appropriate level, but for the moment, I’m relishing in the fact that, despite consciously watching my diet, I haven’t eaten myself from here to Winston-Salem.

Oh yeah…and as for the progress this week…here’s where I stand…

Another 3 pounds gone! Still ahead of schedule! After only 2 weeks of eating natural, unprocessed food, I feel so much better. My complexion is better, my sleep has been better, and I don’t feel as puffy and bloated.

I finally feel like I’m starting to eat to live instead of living to eat. Making better choices is becoming second nature. I even stuck to my guns while watching the Superbowl and made sure to have some really healthy options available.

I’ve still got a long road ahead of me, but I’m well on my way. Thank you for your continual support. I’ll see you at the finish line!

“You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.”

Tapeworms…Clean ones.

I read today that some people have intentionally – yes, I said INTENTIONALLY – given themselves tapeworms to lose weight. Seriously?!  Aside from that, where does one order a tapeworm? Craigslist? The Classifieds? Are there tapeworm sellers on Ebay with positive feedback 99.8% or higher?  Scary.

The article does mention that the “tapeworm diet” is only practiced with sanitized tapeworms….phew! Thank goodness! I was worried for a minute! I mean, really…does it matter that they’re disinfected or not? Using a sanitized tapeworm is like giving yourself rabies from a freshly groomed dog.

To be in a country that so easily exposes the fraudulent practices of any other industry, there sure are a lot of shoddy weight loss promises out there…I know, I know…as long as people are willing to try it and pay for it, they’ll keep showing up…I get that. But isn’t it about time we have an FDA equivalent for the lose-your-fat industry? A ranking system…a BBB-esque organization.  Surprise, surprise…I’ve fallen victim to a lot of those get results quick claims. I’ve ordered the pills and the juice and the bands and the body suits…ok not the last one, but I’m sure if there had been an infomercial at 3am with the 13 people who claim that it works then I would have bought one. Of course…none of this crazy, “this is not approved by the FDA” stuff worked.

Sad part is…I know exactly what works…I’ve always known what works. I have the books and the science and the proven research that burning more calories than I take in will lead to weight loss.  Why am I so convinced I’m going to wake up one day, turn on the news and hear “Breaking news! If you walk outside, turn around 3 times, bite your lip and grunt then you will instantly lose 100 pounds!”?!

All these times I’ve tried that quick fix, I was wasting time not doing what I know will work. Instead, I’ve gotten my hopes up, only to have that new miracle solution fail. I’m trying to keep repeating to myself that I didn’t gain the weight overnight…I’m not going to lose it overnight.

I’m finally at a point now, of disgust or despair or necessity, that I truly believe that this is a battle I’m going to fight the rest of my life. Not the battle to lose the weight (because that goal weight is all mine!), but the battle to keep it lost.  I won’t ever be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want and refrain from exercise…it sucks…but it’s my reality and I’ve finally come to grips with it. Feels like an addict finally admitting their problems…an epiphany. “Hi my name is Hannah and I will have to be accountable nutritionally and physically for the rest of my life.”

I keep reiterating to myself that this is a lifestyle change…not a diet. (Which, might I point out, does have the word die in it.) The last few days have been tougher than I expected. It’s true what they say…when you think you can’t have something, you want it even more. Continuing to remind myself that I need to watch what I eat has made my cravings for something I don’t need much stronger. I never crave chocolate – but you wouldn’t know it this week. The smell of Taco Bell normally makes me gag – but all week my hunger is yelling at me to think outside the bun.  However,  I am proud to say that I did not succumb to temptation one time this week!! Not one!!…I’ll pause for a moment while you applaud……thank you!

I do need to figure out a way to relax about it all, though. I find myself getting so worked up about how many calories are in each bite, did I have too much arugula, was that serving of grapes too big or did that cup of water make my weight go up an ounce?  I’m trying to stop obsessing over everything…I know I’m not overweight because I ate too much lettuce or had too many grapes.  I had to hide my scale to prevent myself from getting on it a few times a day and am restricting myself to weighing once a week. It’s funny…I’m trying so hard to have so much control over every aspect of all of this, when being overweight, for me anyway, is the result of having too little control over myself.

Deep breath….

One day and a time, Hannah…success is all yours this time.

In the meantime, I can take comfort in knowing that I’ve made extremely smart choices this week and I am anxious to see what the result of this week’s efforts are.  Knowing that I have so many of you cheering for me has been amazingly encouraging. I never in a million years expected the response and the support like I have received and it is truly humbling.  My focus the last few days I owe in large part to you. I am touched and flattered by your comments and reassurance. Thank you so much for being part of this ride with me.

Stay tuned for the scale shot on Monday (with prettier toes!)… Have a great weekend everyone!

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.”

~Henry Ford