More Really Bad Advice…

I’ve decided I’ve got to get really hard core about working out starting this week. Energy level has been a problem previously, but I’m feeling extremely guilty about NOT doing anything physical…which I guess is a good sign. In the meantime, please allow me the opportunity to get just a bit of silliness out of my system before I shift it back into high gear…

  • Keep a canister of helium near your scale and take in a big lungful before you weigh in.
  • If you must eat fudge, be sure and wash it down with a Diet Coke.
  • They couldn’t call them “Apple Jacks” if they didn’t have real apples in them, dumbass.
  • It doesn’t matter if you do one pushup or one hundred, so I always just do one.
  • A homemade licorice headband is stylish and can help you keep your energy up during a workout.
  • Marshmallows are mostly air. Air has no calories, so eat as many as you want!
  • If you insist, most waiters and waitresses will give you a “wild guess” at how many calories are in various entrees.
  • When adding up the calories from the frozen yogurt with sprinkles and frozen cookie dough you just ordered, don’t forget to subtract the calories of all the toppings you could have ordered but didn’t from the total.
  • Baked Cheetos are pretty good, especially if you give ‘em a whirl in a Fry Daddy.
  • One time this guy was jogging and he dropped dead; I’m not saying you shouldn’t jog… I’m just sayin’…
  • Tight pants are in this season.
  • To make a healthy banana split, substitute banana for the ice cream and ice cream for the banana (note: I’m still in the test phase, so I’m not absolutely sure this one’s good to go yet).
  • If you take the recyclables down to the street on time, you win “immunity” and are allowed to skip one weigh-in.
  • Drink lots and lots of water, or if you don’t have ready access to water, milkshakes.
  • If you’re going to go through the fast food drive-thru no matter what, at least get some exercise by going through on a unicycle.
  • Keep some snacks on a shelf close to your scale so you can scarf them down immediately after weighing in.

Officially hit 30 pounds lost!!!! Wahoo!

Was curious what that amounted to in terms of other objects…30 pounds is the equivalent of an average 2 year old…a microwave…240 eggs…4 gallons of water…10 pairs of cowboy boots…54 cans of Coke…5430 pennies! I can’t imagine what it would be like to have that many pennies “added back on.” It’s definitely a good visual to keep in mind to keep me focused on moving in the correct direction.

As far as my new life with Celiac – I’ve turned into one of those obnoxious people at the grocery store that studies each and every food label for minutes at a time…the girl that picks up the same food from 4 different manufacturers to find the safe one. 10 minute trips to the store have turned into 2 hour trips. Gluten-free foods are NOT all created equally! The taste of some of these things would lead even a person with no taste buds to jump off a bridge! Do they not test this stuff before they ship it out?!

While I’m a champ when it comes to grocery shopping or cooking at home, I’m still struggling with trust when it comes to eating out. Can’t someone just open of a completely gluten-free restaurant?! It would make me must less anxiety-ridden! Cross-contamination is my worst enemy!!

I’ve been gluten free (aside from a few unintentional glutenings) for almost a month now. Oh what a difference 30 days makes!! Feeling more and more amazing each day…now there are NO excuses for not being active!! Here we go…

“An active mind cannot exist in an inactive body.” ~ General George S. Patton 

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A Lesson Learned…

First off…I want to thank all of you for your continued support. As of this morning, I’ve had over 3,020 visitors to my site and the number keeps growing! All the support, comments and encouragement I’ve received have me incredibly humbled. I feel like I’ve got over 3000 therapists out there waiting for me to spill my guts.  I may not always reply to each message I receive – but trust me, I read and reread them often. Thank you again for making this journey so worthwhile.

And now…a few mistakes I’ve made and lessons learned…

  • For some reason, almost all overweight African-American women get upset when you call them “Precious”
  • Only one person to a treadmill at the gym
  • It doesn’t help to get salad dressing on the side if you get three cups of it and use it all
  • All your clothes didn’t suddenly shrink in the wash
  • Brushing your teeth with Dr. Pepper isn’t such a good idea
  • A caramel apple a day doesn’t necessarily keep the doctor away
  • If you eat a meal replacement bar, you need to NOT eat a meal
  • There is no such thing as one bite of movie theater popcorn
  • Wheatgrass is a superfood; Peanut M&M’s are not
  • Personal trainers generally don’t like to be paid with a bucket of loose change
  • Playing on Facebook for eight hours is not the same as sleeping for eight hours
  • You’re probably supposed to eat 2,000 calories per day, not 20,000
  • Free samples aren’t necessarily free
  • Most employers don’t recognize a “Vitamin D break,” so I guess you need to take up smoking in order to get a little sunlight during the day
  • Despite the word Diet in its name – the Hot Dog Diet is not effective
  • Standing up while eating does not make your food digest faster – it makes you look stupid at dinner parties
  • Even though hemorrhoid/hydrocortisone cream is often used by body builders and fitness models to tighten up their abs before a photo shoot – it does not work if there are no abs to rub it on…But it does relieve itching
  • Fun-size candy bars = No-fun-size thighs

I did lose weight this week…a little bit anyway. So close to the 30 pound mark!

But this week was extremely tough for me. I am in the midst of severe meltdowns. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m so pissed off that I my convenient life is gone. I’m ticked off that I have to be so OCD about everywhere I go – questioning what idiot line cook might have touched my food immediately after grabbing a hamburger bun. I’m feeling like I’m going to have to be a hermit. Feeling like family functions are going to be impossible unless I’ve sat every family member down for a 2-week seminar on what I can and can’t eat and ways to avoid cross-contamination. So yes, I am pouting. I just want a freaking Ritz cracker!!!

In the back of my mind, I know I need to get over it. I know this could be much worse. (Thank you Wx DA for reminding me of that this weekend.) I can still live my life with relative ease. There are soldiers back from Afghanistan who have lost limbs. Their lives will never be the same. I can eat rice crackers to get over my poutiness about gluten…they don’t have an alternative option. Cutting gluten out of a diet has not killed anyone (that I know of anyway). Time to put my big girl panties (ugh – can’t believe I just used that word) on and keep going. Bitching about it night and day is certainly not going to change the diagnosis. And thus…another lesson learned.

Despite being accidentally gluten’d on Friday night – I have found that going places where I’ve got a personal relationship with the cooking staff makes a huge difference. I’d like to give props to one chef in particular, who despite thinking I was doing this gluten-free diet for fun at first (not sure who the hell does this for fun), has since made me some amazing gluten-free treats.  If you’re ever in Greensboro – Alex at Natty Greene’s makes some amazing dishes on the fly. Favorite so far: Greek chicken, homemade cucumber sauce (best I’ve ever had), and sliced cherry tomatoes on top of a cucumber slice…you will seriously want to slap your momma!

Ok…so after reading that last paragraph…maybe this isn’t so bad after all. Despite my occasional Dorthea Dix worthy tantrums, I’m being forced to eat better…my weight is dropping…I’m at the receiving end of a few amazing test dishes at a restaurant…and I still feel more amazing than I have in a long time. So Celiac…Bring. It. On.

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~Unknown

Good. Gooder. Bestest.

Those of you that read last week’s blog know I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease…If you didn’t know, or didn’t read the blog – SHAME ON YOU!! (Click here for the rundown.) In honor of the fact that I’m feeling much better, and to play off of my post from a few weeks ago – this week’s topic explores the GOOD…the GOODER (yes – I know this is not actually a word)…and the BESTEST (despite what I originally thought – bestest is a word in the dictionary. Learn something new every day!) facets of weight loss.

GOOD: You want to lose weight.

GOODER: You look for guidance and motivation to keep you going on your journey.

BESTEST: You check out my blog every week to know that there is someone else out there fighting the same battle.

 

GOOD: You walked a mile on the treadmill.

GOODER: You ran a 5K on the treadmill.

BESTEST: You made it to the end of the treadmill.

 

GOOD: A co-worker commented on your weight loss.

GOODER: A friend you haven’t seen in a while is shocked at how great you look.

BESTEST: Your mother makes you show her some ID.

 

GOOD: You buy lots of produce at the grocery store.

GOODER: You buy organic produce at the grocery store.

BESTEST: You grow your own vegetables…in your bathtub.

 

GOOD: Salad for lunch.

GOODER: Salad for dinner.

BESTEST: Salad for breakfast.

 

GOOD: You’re taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

GOODER: You’re biking to work instead of driving.

BESTEST: You’ve decided to swim to your European vacation.

 

GOOD: You do 50 sit-ups every day.

GOODER: You do 50 sit-ups every hour.

BESTEST: You never stop doing sit-ups.

 

GOOD: You do Yoga, Pilates or Zumba.

GOODER: You do Yoga, Pilates and Zumba.

BESTEST: You do Yoga, Pilates and Zumba, all at the same time.

 

GOOD: You achieved your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.

GOODER: You exceeded your goal rate on your heart rate monitor.

BESTEST: Your activity level melted your heart rate monitor.

 

GOOD: You have to cut back on cupcakes because of Gluten-free restrictions.

GOODER: You find a Gluten-Free bakery in town.

BESTEST: Your incredible sister bakes you a batch of the most delicious GF cupcakes with a dark chocolate ganache frosting so you won’t be left out when dessert is served.

 

 

GOOD: You watch what you eat.

GOODER: You don’t think twice about making a healthier choice when eating out.

BESTEST: You’ve lost the bad habits that got you in trouble in the first place. (Thank you, Celiac Disease!)

 

GOOD: Your clothes are a bit looser.

GOODER: You have to make a new hole for your belt buckle.

BESTEST: You have to buy suspenders to keep from mooning innocent bystanders.

 

GOOD: Eating healthier has opened the door to trying new vegetables.

GOODER: Your day consists of compiling a list 101 ways to cook a rutabaga.

BESTEST: You can now name every vegetable in the cruciferous family and accurately describe every aspect of their taxonomy.

 

GOOD: You feel comfortable being in public in a swimsuit.

GOODER: You feel comfortable being in public in a bikini.

BESTEST: Hello, nude beach!

 

GOOD: You drink 8 glasses of water a day.

GOODER: You drink your body weight in ounces of water daily.

BESTEST: Your city has just re-instated drought level water restrictions as the result of your daily intake.

 

GOOD: You’ve lost 10 pounds.

GOODER: You’ve lost 20 pounds.

BESTEST: You’ve lost 10% of your starting weight!!!

Not having any trouble with cooking at home, but I’m desperately missing the convenience I once had in terms of finding something to eat. Gone are the days of blindly going out to eat without doing research ahead of time…gone are the quick last minute trips through a drive thru to grab lunch on the go…gone are the days of recovering from a hangover with a chicken biscuit and a regular coke. (I know that accounts for about a zillion calories, but sometimes you’ve just got to grease it up to get yourself back to normal!)

I am now forced to be acutely aware of everything and everyone that might have touched my food. I have to guard my food to prevent someone from sticking their contaminated fork in my potato to have a bite. (Sorry dad – had to call you out on this one!)

I have to trust where I’m going to eat…have to trust that the person preparing my food doesn’t say “Gluten what?” and then proceed to grab my food immediately after touching a hamburger bun. I know that there’s probably a pretty good chance that everything will be ok…but right now, I’m not willing to take the risk. I’m not willing to undo what I’ve already done.

Why am I so OCD about it? Well…I cannot even begin to describe how amazing I have felt for the last week. Sticking to a very strict GF diet has done wonders for my digestive system, my energy level, and my skin, believe it or not. Do I miss bread, fried chicken, Campbell’s soup and licking envelopes? (Yep…the envelope lick-y part could contain trace amounts of gluten.) No I do not. Don’t miss the pasta, don’t miss crackers, don’t miss gravy…To go from feeling as awful as I felt for the last decade, and especially the last 6 months to feeling absolutely incredible – I don’t miss any of it…not for one second!

In honor of my digestive rebirth – I will leave you with this:

GOOD: You finally found out what’s been plaguing you health wise.

GOODER: You start to feel better after “treatment”.

BESTEST: You feel better than you have in 15 years!

 “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” ~ Sir Winston Churchill