Jeff Foxworthy did his redneck style. I do mine GF-style. Minds out of the gutter people!
I’m in a cheesy mood tonight…Not that it has anything to do with the amazing queso fresco I just ingested – but in a dorky, witty, joking mood. Perhaps it’s because it’s Monday…perhaps it’s because the new job has me a little frazzled, but regardless, you’re the lucky one that gets to enjoy light-heartedness this evening…
So without further ado ….You Might Be Gluten-Free If….
…your bar tab went up exponentially when you had to stop drinking beer and start drinking liquor.
…you keep at least 5 kinds of flour in the house and none of them start with ‘W’.
…you can’t eat at a buffet.
…the smell of freshly baked pizza makes you on the verge of postal.
…Five Guys sees you coming and instantly changes their gloves.
…you get stomach cramps walking through the bread aisle.
…you question your ‘Southern card’ since you can’t remember what fried chicken tastes like.
…you’ve ever deliberately slammed your shopping cart into the Wheat Thins display in a fit of rage.
…you spend more time reading ingredients than actually eating the food.
…your happiest moment this year was discovering GF bagels at the grocery store.
…someone could rob you with just a club sandwich and Doritos.
…you’ll hug people with a nasty cough but keep someone eating a cookie at an arm’s length or farther.
…you’re considering converting to the Aztec religion, so people will accept your corn-worshipping ways.
…you pack your own toaster to go on vacations.
…you have written “CONTAMINATED” on containers of cream cheese.
…you’ve considered strangling friends/relatives who say “It can’t hurt if you only eat a little, can it?”
…you can find hidden gluten on food labels in the blink of an eye and some people around you couldn’t find it if they had a magnifying glass, a dictionary and a Ph.D.
…you burn your toast and eat it anyway because those two tiny pieces of bread cost $1.50.
…during the holidays, visions of guar gum dance in your head.
…you are afraid of spices and in restaurants, ask for your food “naked.”
…people think you’re on a low-carb diet.
…you’ve ever asked for a bunless burger and been looked at like you have 3 heads.
…you kiss your date before dinner instead of after.
…you write a GF blog!
…you’re feeling better than you EVER have in your life and still losing weight! Go me!!!
Still chipping away at the pudge. And I do not miss it at all!!
I’m going to work on updating my ‘Goals’ page sometime this week – but wanted to let you know the two new ones that I have set for myself in the meantime.
1) To lose an additional 50 lbs by my sister’s wedding. Wedding is May 19, 2012…that amounts to about 10 lbs a month. Completely attainable goal – although I’m a little off this week – my next goal should help me get there with more certainty…
2) To start working out. The scary thing is that I really am itching to get active. I’m imagining myself doing physical things and yearning to get a good aerobic sweat in. I’ve never wanted to sweat before so I’m a little shocked that I feel guilty about not doing anything at this point.
Now that eating better is second nature, I can focus on my other arch nemesis: moving my behind. I certainly need to work on toning and firming up. Nothing sexy about excess jiggle. And there will certainly not be anything sexy about loose skin if I manage to lose (I’m sorry…WHEN I LOSE) 100 pounds. I commit to you, loyal followers, that by the time I post a blog next week, I will have started my workout regimen.
Before I sign off this week – I want to mention something I mentioned last week…There’s only one day left and the way it stood a few days ago, it will take an absolute miracle (or divine intervention) for me to come out on top…but I need votes! Please go to http://jovialfoods.com/blog/7362654553-2/ and vote for #13 (If mine is your favorite) and help send me on the GF/culinary trip of a lifetime. (See last week’s post for more details.)
I really appreciate all of you that have voted for me thus far and helped to spread the word. Voting ends tomorrow (12/20) at midnight and results will be announced on the 22nd. Keep your fingers crossed that the next time you hear from me, I’ll have to add renewing my passport to my to-do list! What an amazing Christmas present that would be!
I hope that each of you has a Merry Christmas…may Santa bring you everything you’ve asked for and more!
“Faith is believing that the outcome will be what it should be, no matter what it is.” ~Colette Baron-Reid