What Is…Not What If

Ok guys…I apologize for the late blog post! The last 48 hours have been a real-life version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I have managed to travel across most of the eastern seaboard (some of which was not planned), so I am a tad behind.

This past weekend I had the great pleasure of watching my precious cousin, Mary Kate, in a gymnastics tournament.  This thing was insane! As a girl who can hardly find the ability to focus at a 3-ring circus, seeing boys and girls of all ages flipping around all over the place in the coliseum put my brain into overdrive.  Mary Kate did an incredible job of course! (She and her sister are exceptionally talented.) She’s a ball of energy with the most graceful hand movements I’ve ever seen. At 6 years old, the girl is so fit she’d make Jillian Michaels jealous.

While I was sitting there watching her, I started thinking…what if I had not begged my parents to let me quit gymnastics when I was in 3rd grade? What if I had continued all that strength training into my teenage years? Would I have eventually gotten up that stupid, tortuous looking rope that hangs from the ceiling of every gym in the country? If I had toughed out all those days flipping around everywhere, pulling myself up on the uneven bars, and perfecting my balance would I still have become an overweight kid?

And of course, as it always does, my brain started down the path of thinking about all the other ‘what ifs’ in my life…

What if I had focused a little more in college? Would I be a pediatric hematologist now?

What if I had not walked away from my drink that night? Would I still have found myself as a date rape statistic?

What if I had tried a little harder? Would my marriage still have fallen apart?

What if, at 6 years old, I hadn’t felt like I had to choose someone’s side when my parents got divorced? Would I have not had such a chip on my shoulder towards my dad and made it a little easier for us to get along growing up?

What if I had not found comfort and security in eating to make myself feel better. Would I have still suffered from the compulsive overeating disorder?

What if I had called Daddy George like I was supposed to when he had his surgery? Would I still have had a difficult time getting over his death?

What if I had turned my back when the red flags started popping up in a previous relationship? Would I have saved myself from eventual abuse?

What if I had learned to love myself at a young age? Would I have still suffered from such a deep, debilitating depression for so many years?

Over the last few days I’ve been running through those thoughts over and over. And then while I was sitting on the plane tonight, it hit me….

What if I hadn’t gone through those things? What if I hadn’t hit my rock bottom?

Then I wouldn’t be the quirky, sometimes crazy, strong-willed, kind-hearted, absolute firecracker of a person that I am today.

The me that I love today is the same me that is a product of those battles. I don’t want to know what might have been anymore. I want to focus on what is.

With that being said, what if I had not posted that abysmal 248 pound starting weight a year ago? Would I still have lost  65.2 pounds?!

So enough with what if-ing things that I cannot change! It’s time to celebrate the person that all those negative, regrettable things helped to create….because what I am now…what my life is now…is worth hanging onto.

“Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.” ~ Henry Kissinger
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One thought on “What Is…Not What If

  1. One more week of WOW!!! Proud of you…maybe you should travel more often to cause refections! I can still see you going up that big rope in the gym off Sardis Road in your pink and white leotard…and of course, jumping on the biggest piece of foam rubber!! Keep up the great work!! MOM

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