I secretly (well, not so secretly anymore) have this fear that when I step on my scale that I’m going to hear it let out a huge moan or scream in pain.
I fear I’m going to hear the scale yell “Only one at a time!” or “I can’t breathe!” Or one of these other random thoughts:
- “Get off! Get off! Get off!”
- “They say any loss is a good loss. How’s about -.00001 lbs.?”
- “Here comes the pain!”
- “Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.”
- “When you lose, you take all the credit; when you gain, ya blame me!”
- “On the moon, you’d only weigh 43 pounds.”
- “Why don’t you try again… maybe it’ll be drastically lower.”
- “And you thought nobody saw you eat those chips…”
- “Good news: you’re still beating anorexia!”
- “Does this number make you look fat?”
- “Tippin’ is encouraged. Get it, get it? Tippin’ the scales… ah, you don’t know funny.”
- “Are you a glutton for punishment or just a regular glutton?”
- “For God’s sake–will you please put on some underwear?”
- “Let’s say we just call it two hundred and plenty?”
- “Say, are you losing weight?
Why yes, yes I am!
I’m trying with all of my might to stay focused lately. Have a lot going on and a lot of change happening in my life. And I absolutely SUCK when it comes to change. I let it get the best of me when I need to focus on the fact that the change is what’s best for me in the first place. I don’t like the boat to be rocked…I don’t like disruption in my routine and my habits. I’ll do the same thing over and over again just to avoid being uncomfortable or having to worry about the unknown. I’ll stay in the same rut forever just to avoid that fear. And in the last few days I’ve really realized that everything I do or change or adjust isn’t scary to me because the change is irresponsible or unwarranted…it’s scary to me because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I know what’s best for me. I don’t trust that I am in control of my happiness or my destiny. I keep looking for someone else to tell me these things. Looking for someone else to give me a sign or a signal or someone else to give me permission to want things to be different. I keep searching for a billboard or a commercial with the answer. I’ve wasted so much time looking…wasted so much time waiting for it to hit me in the face.
It’s been within me all along. The answer to finding myself has been here the whole time. The will to change, the motivation to change, the ability to change…it’s all inside me. I have to trust myself or I will never overcome life’s obstacles.
I feel like I am on the verge of greatness…not sure how or in what capacity, but I feel in my gut that something big is coming. Something life-changing. (And no, not in a creepy psychic way.)
I’m trying to harbor this feeling…trying to enjoy the mild excitement of the unknown. Trying to believe that regardless of what happens, I’ll be ok in the end. I’m going to trust that I’m on my way to where I want to be and what I want to become…and that change is what’s going to get me there.
I have to remember that change is what’s gotten me down 44 lbs. I have to remember just how far I was from who I wanted to be…and every day I am a step closer to the person I am trying to become. And while I may still have a hard time trying to accept success, I am no longer prepared to quit…I am destined to win.
“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit