Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones…

A few weeks ago I was in the checkout line at the grocery store. I had gotten a few of my favorite gluten-free pizzas and another item or 2 that was specifically labeled as gluten-free. I should have known the line was doomed from the start. I don’t know what it is with people getting in the express lane regardless of the 22 items they have in their cart. The freaking sign says 15 or less…15! OR LESS! Learn to count or shop somewhere else. I don’t know why that drives me so crazy! I always count every item to make sure I’m not hitting the limit. Granted I do break the limit rule when it comes to dressing room items, but seriously. Extreme couponing’s biggest fan with her 57 bottles of mustard and 18 boxes of Kleenex does not warrant standing in the Express lane!

I wish the cashier had told the woman who couldn’t count that she needed to step into another line and follow the rules like everyone else, but nooooooo. So thinking she was just soft spoken and too timid to say anything, I didn’t think anything of her when I stepped up to check out. Boy did she prove me wrong.

She started commenting on every item – “Oh…parsnips. What do you do with those?” “Brie…not a big fan.” “Smart Balance…guess the healthy aspect doesn’t really matter with that brie in the basket, does it?” At this point I already wanted to hit her…and then she brought it home. “Oh I see you have some gluten-free items in here. Does someone in your house not eat gluten?” So I told her I have Celiac Disease…and her response: “You have Celiac Disease? That’s not possible. People with Celiac Disease are malnourished and waifish…you’re…well, overweight.”

Um…excuse me, biotch?! Did I seriously just hear that come out of her mouth? I tried to respond with some horrid, mean comeback but all I could do was muster up some weird uncomfortable smile and stood there completely silent.

Who tells someone they couldn’t possibly have a disease because they don’t look like a few other people that have the same ailment. That’s so ridiculous. Who stereotypes like that?! I’m sorry Magic Johnson, you couldn’t possibly have HIV because everyone I’ve ever seen with it is thin and sickly and you’re not. I’m sorry Stevie Wonder, there’s no way you’re blind, because you can play the piano.

Who has the gall to say that someone’s disease isn’t valid because their physique isn’t what you’d expect?! There is NOTHING in any literature I’ve read stating that thinness is a requirement for Celiac Disease. In children, yes possibly, but adults, not so much. And not only that…but why in the hell am I incapable of coming up with a witty comeback until I’m in my car driving away?!  As Billy Idol once said: “I love when someone insults me. It means I don’t have to be nice anymore.” So in honor of my awful cashier and my untimely delay…here are the best insult comebacks of all time: (Disclaimer: Some of these are mean. But there are certain times they might be warranted.)

  • I’ve heard more coherent things from a schizophrenic with Tourette’s.
  • What kind of car do you drive, a short bus?
  • It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
  • It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to breed.
  • I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter statement than that.
  • Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  • You’re like the female version of Charlie Sheen.
  • Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
  • I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.
  • Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
  • The Rainman called. He wants his social skills back.
  • Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
  • Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
  • People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
  • Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

 

Phew! Now I feel better….and not only that, but this ‘fat girl with Celiac Disease’ lost weight! Woot woot!

So close to being under the 200 pound mark. I can hardly believe it!   Not weighing myself for 2 weeks really paid off.  I am re-focused, re-committed, and ready to take on anyone that tries to knock me down. Watch out world…it’s on now. 🙂

 

 

“The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved.”  ~J. Russel Lynes

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Silencing the Evil Voice

(There is no scale result this week. Apparently scales need a battery that’s not dead in order to work…who knew?! 🙂 I’ll get back on track with the official weigh-in next week.)

 

Now back to your regularly scheduled post…

 
Whether you’re finally in your skinny jeans or you’re having to bust out the elastic pants, when the way you look on the outside changes, the way you think and feel about yourself also changes.

I have long struggled with my own self-image. Believing that I, as a fat girl, wasn’t worthy of love or admirers. But this week I’ve been thinking about weight and how even a small change in your weight so drastically affects your self-image.

That’s how it is for me anyway – when I’ve lost weight, I feel confident…on top of the world. I look better and I project myself in a more self-assured way. When I’ve gained weight that stupid nagging voice reminds me once again that I’m a failure and I have no reason to be confident because I don’t look as good anymore.

My ‘evil voice’ is the one that constantly asks if I will ever be good enough.  Despite all my other accomplishments, the voice has convinced me that fat is despicable and will never be good enough. That I will never be good enough.

I’m trying with all my might to stop letting the evil voice win.  Stop letting the negative thoughts seep into my mind and change my perception of myself, even if no one else feels the same way.

The evil voice is like a disease. It takes over your brain. It erases all positive thoughts and replaces them with self-destructive ones.  Once it gets embedded in your mind, it convinces you that you can’t do things skinnier people can.  “You can’t exercise at this size, what’s the point? You can’t really lose weight permanently, so why try?  You can’t find anyone to love you, so why even date?”

But the evil voice doesn’t have to win! The way you perceive yourself is directly related to who you are and how you interact with people.  You are the one in control of how you see yourself and you are also in control of how others see you.  The more positive you are with yourself, the more you will exude that with others. I am certainly one that needs to follow my own advice.

The weeks that I am more positive and find more love for myself are the weeks that I find more success. I may not have an official weight tonight, but I feel incredible this week and am certain it was one of success.  And the way I’m feeling right now means as much to me as a drop in poundage.

I am going to make a conscious effort to stay positive despite any possible setback. I will not fret over possibly having consumed too many calories one night at dinner or gaining a few ounces on the scale. I will try and remember how I’m feeling right now, and let that be my motivation to keep myself upbeat and focused. I will concentrate more on what I have accomplished thus far instead of how much further I have to go.

I am trying to define myself outside of my size for once. I am a lot of things. I am smart. I am funny. I am giving and kind. I am a good cook. I am a great sister and daughter. I am worthy. (Repeat.)

And you’re worthy too. You’re worthy regardless of your body shape. You’re worthy regardless of your size 16 or your size 2. You’re worthy regardless of your weakness for chocolate or your addiction to popcorn. You are worthy just as you are right this very minute.

So do yourself a favor…learn to love yourself for who you are and not what number is on the scale…and while you’re at it, tell the evil voice to SHUT UP once and for all.

 

“Right now you are one choice away from a new beginning — one that leads you toward becoming the fullest human being you can be.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

 

 

 

Two Wolves

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life…

This is what he said to them:

“A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf is evil — he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment, inferiority, competition, regret, superiority, greed, and ego.

The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied: “The one you feed.”

For far too long I have been feeding the bad wolf.

And yes, part of it does entail over feeding that wolf with food. But I’ve been feeding the bad wolf with some of the other evil the Native American mentioned.

Fear: I am afraid I will fail…again. I am afraid of what I might discover about myself going through all of this.

Anger: I am so mad that I let myself get to this place…that I allowed myself to eat my feelings away…that I allowed myself to lose control.

Envy: I find that jealousy plagues me. I try to bargain with God: If only I could be like her, then I’ll give up something else. Why do I always think the grass is greener on the other side?

Sorrow: I am sad that I don’t feel better about myself. Sad that I feel so alone sometimes. Sad that I don’t feel confident enough in myself.

Regret: This is my big one. Regret consumes me. Regret eats me alive and chokes me almost daily. Maybe if I hadn’t quit gymnastics in 3rd grade I’d be skinny…maybe if I’d tried harder in college I’d be a doctor now. I waste so much time wishing I could do things all over again. And the older I get, the harder it is to overcome.

Greed: This should speak for itself…my times of gluttony and overeating were times of excess and greed.

Self-Pity: I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of having times where all I want to do is crawl back in my shell – where I’m convinced no one thinks I’m worthwhile because of my size.

Inferiority: I don’t feel like I’m good enough, that I’m capable enough. I don’t feel that I deserve praise or recognition. I don’t feel that I am anything extraordinary. I don’t feel that I’m worthy of true complete love.

I’m tired of feeding the bad wolf.  I’ve done it all with the full and complete understanding that it was foolish, misguided and self-destructive, but feed him I did.

I want to feed the good wolf. I want to wake up with joy and pride so deep. I want to feel serenity in myself that I’ve never known. I want to find peace within my soul.

I’m not really sure where my mind is right now. I’m frustrated. I’m starting to lose my motivation. I’m losing direction.

Case in point…A gain:

 

I haven’t been able to do anything physical because I’m still wearing the stupid moon boot on my right foot. (Damn tall shoes.) I’m emotionally all over the place right now – having those weird breakdown moments as I stand in my closet trying to find something to wear.

I refused to look at myself in the mirror before I started all this. I refused to look at what was in front of me….what I had become. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day before I got in the shower and fell apart. Who is that person? How did she get that way?

I know I’ve lost 38 pounds. I know my clothes are fitting much better. I know I feel better than I have in a long time.  But something is missing. Something is making me fear this failure again. Something is keeping me down.

I desperately need to find out what that something is…I need to fill the trough for the good wolf for a while…time to starve the bad one.

 

“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.”

Don’t Discriminate

It is no secret that I love the Food Network. I want to be on it, I watch it constantly, and I could probably tell you more about the lives of the chefs on that channel than I can about Oprah Winfrey or George Bush.  Some people are obsessed with movie stars and famous athletes, while I’m busy stalking Alex Guarnaschelli, Aaron Sanchez and Giada DeLaurentiis on Twitter.

I want to secretly discover an invitation to participate on Chopped in my mailbox and would likely have a panic attack if I ever got into an elevator and saw Bobby Flay standing there.  But I have to be honest – the FN chefs like some gluten in their cooking.  I’ve tried to mentally come up with gluten-free versions of all the recipes that I see made, but the truth is, a channel devoted 100% to cooking is a shitty place to go when you can’t eat many of the things you see prepared.

What if a GF chef wanted to be a judge on Iron Chef? Or a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen or Top Chef? I just don’t think it’s possible. Imagine being a child of Paula Deen’s and having Celiac Disease? Would she acknowledge them?  I wonder if she’s got a secret daughter hidden off camera that was ousted for never being able to eat fried chicken or biscuits and gravy. Would Mario Batali disown his child for having to stay clear of pasta?

And so it got me thinking – why don’t we see chefs with Celiac Disease? Granted cooking GF is a niche thing, but there are plenty of shows on cooking for the vegetarian lifestyle that I’m sure non-vegetarians watch. I want to see something that I can enjoy! I want it GF and I want it now!  (And yes, that last sentence should be said with your best Veruca Salt impression.)

Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

Why is All-Purpose flour the thickening agent choice for every chef that has a cooking show? Why not try corn flour or rice flour? Why can’t Rachael Ray dredge her chicken in cornflake crumbs instead of panko? I seem to remember a low-carb show….a low calorie show. How about a GF show? Hire me to do it!!

Stop discriminating against us!!! (Ok so I’m not saying it’s discrimination…just saying it would be nice to cater to all dietary needs every once in a while.) I will continue to watch the Food Network like it’s my job…and continue to secretly dream that it really was.

And while on the topic of cooking…I have a recipe that you really must try…if you’ve never had quinoa – this is certainly a great way to eat it!

 

Big thanks to Gluten Hates Me for the recipe! Amazing GF recipes and a fantastic blog as well!

____

As for the weigh-in – although slight, there was another loss this week.

 

Getting closer and closer to being under 200 for the first time in a long time…looking forward to celebrating that milestone with you!

 

Until then, you can find me in the kitchen…

 

“Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.

– Harriet Van Horne