A few weeks ago I was in the checkout line at the grocery store. I had gotten a few of my favorite gluten-free pizzas and another item or 2 that was specifically labeled as gluten-free. I should have known the line was doomed from the start. I don’t know what it is with people getting in the express lane regardless of the 22 items they have in their cart. The freaking sign says 15 or less…15! OR LESS! Learn to count or shop somewhere else. I don’t know why that drives me so crazy! I always count every item to make sure I’m not hitting the limit. Granted I do break the limit rule when it comes to dressing room items, but seriously. Extreme couponing’s biggest fan with her 57 bottles of mustard and 18 boxes of Kleenex does not warrant standing in the Express lane!
I wish the cashier had told the woman who couldn’t count that she needed to step into another line and follow the rules like everyone else, but nooooooo. So thinking she was just soft spoken and too timid to say anything, I didn’t think anything of her when I stepped up to check out. Boy did she prove me wrong.
She started commenting on every item – “Oh…parsnips. What do you do with those?” “Brie…not a big fan.” “Smart Balance…guess the healthy aspect doesn’t really matter with that brie in the basket, does it?” At this point I already wanted to hit her…and then she brought it home. “Oh I see you have some gluten-free items in here. Does someone in your house not eat gluten?” So I told her I have Celiac Disease…and her response: “You have Celiac Disease? That’s not possible. People with Celiac Disease are malnourished and waifish…you’re…well, overweight.”
Um…excuse me, biotch?! Did I seriously just hear that come out of her mouth? I tried to respond with some horrid, mean comeback but all I could do was muster up some weird uncomfortable smile and stood there completely silent.
Who tells someone they couldn’t possibly have a disease because they don’t look like a few other people that have the same ailment. That’s so ridiculous. Who stereotypes like that?! I’m sorry Magic Johnson, you couldn’t possibly have HIV because everyone I’ve ever seen with it is thin and sickly and you’re not. I’m sorry Stevie Wonder, there’s no way you’re blind, because you can play the piano.
Who has the gall to say that someone’s disease isn’t valid because their physique isn’t what you’d expect?! There is NOTHING in any literature I’ve read stating that thinness is a requirement for Celiac Disease. In children, yes possibly, but adults, not so much. And not only that…but why in the hell am I incapable of coming up with a witty comeback until I’m in my car driving away?! As Billy Idol once said: “I love when someone insults me. It means I don’t have to be nice anymore.” So in honor of my awful cashier and my untimely delay…here are the best insult comebacks of all time: (Disclaimer: Some of these are mean. But there are certain times they might be warranted.)
- I’ve heard more coherent things from a schizophrenic with Tourette’s.
- What kind of car do you drive, a short bus?
- It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
- It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to breed.
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter statement than that.
- Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
- You’re like the female version of Charlie Sheen.
- Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
- I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.
- Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
- The Rainman called. He wants his social skills back.
- Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
- Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
- People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
- Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.
- I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
Phew! Now I feel better….and not only that, but this ‘fat girl with Celiac Disease’ lost weight! Woot woot!
So close to being under the 200 pound mark. I can hardly believe it! Not weighing myself for 2 weeks really paid off. I am re-focused, re-committed, and ready to take on anyone that tries to knock me down. Watch out world…it’s on now. 🙂