Ugly part out of the way first…I can’t seem to get out of this 211-213 range…am I destined to be bulky forever?!
My motivation has started to wane. I’m eating wrong – I’m eating too much…and by god I have to say that my digestive system has never felt better… Not that it’s any excuse to blow any semblance of a diet.
My old feelings of failure are starting to rise back up in my throat. That awful horrid voice in the back of my head saying “Here you go again…you know you’ll never be skinny.” I can’t seem to get the nutrition part squared away right now. I love food far too much and am actually enjoying eating it and feeling pain free. Dammit I love cooking!!! I cannot possibly explain the joy and ecstasy I feel when I’m standing in the kitchen creating an amazing gluten-free meal for myself. I lay awake at night thinking about all the ways I can reinvent dishes that I used to have in a way that won’t hurt my tummy. If only I’d find a love for cooking cabbage and tofu instead of amazing variations of risottos and beurre blancs. Here’s an example of both…one of the best dishes I’ve ever made!
And speaking of cooking…I had an amazingly eye-opening experience this weekend. I was in Charlotte for a housewarming party at my sister’s house. Chili was on the menu, and to save her some time in getting all the other things together, I offered to make it. For two reasons…1) I make a mean chili. Wow…that was conceited. Let’s just say I know my way around the kitchen. 2) I wanted to control what’s in it so I knew it was ‘safe’.
I’ve gone through a very distinct up and down with regards to food confidence. I had such tremendous fear of cross-contamination and accidental glutening when I was first diagnosed. Then I transitioned into a period of ease…comfort…I knew what I could have and didn’t question like I should have. Then we come to my current state…distrust. I don’t care if the menu states it’s gluten-free…or if I’m convinced that all that the dish contains is lettuce and red bell peppers…I don’t trust it if I didn’t make it. The longer I go, the more I’m convinced that there are truly very few people that understand exactly what gluten is and how severe a reaction from even the slightest cross-contamination can be. I’ve gotten lazy about demanding to know every ingredient and I’m paying the price. At the end of the day, I’d rather do it all myself. I’d rather know that it wasn’t vegetable broth in a sauce or that someone didn’t grab a hamburger bun before plating my dinner. I’d rather know that the mayonnaise is safe and that the prep surfaces were cleaned thoroughly.
‘Chefing’ it up for the party was a success, and little did I know what a poignant experience my pot of chili would turn out to be….
One of the people that attended the party at my sister’s was a 10-year old named Marc. Amazing kid…great sense of humor. And Marc has Celiac Disease.
The look on his face when he knew he could eat the chili without fear, and the look on his face as he enjoyed his bowl is one that sticks with me now. It makes me feel amazing. I feel so blessed that I could help create that moment…that moment of trust in what you’re eating…that moment without fear of the unknown…That moment that I’ve lost when I’ve gone out to eat.
I can’t imagine coping with all of this as a 10 year old. How difficult it might be to prepare for unexpected birthday parties and food-oriented activities at school, church, and elsewhere. How to deal with grandparents, babysitters, and “helpful” friends who offer gluten-containing foods…All without making them feel different.
Marc handled the party much better than I’ve handled ones with unknown menus. I saw him when he arrived and he didn’t have a look of shear panic like I’ve had when I’ve been unsure what was being served. He didn’t look like he was on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum like I’ve been if I find out there might not be anything ‘safe’ for me to eat. And for that, I admire him.
I would love to get to know Marc better…I was diagnosed at 29…but I want to know what it’s like from his perspective. From that of a 10-year old. Does he feel jipped? Does it make him sad? Does he feel different? I know kids can be disgustingly cruel to others that they perceive as different…and wonder if there’s any ‘dietary bullying’ that he’s ever had to deal with. And I want to help.
It’s situations like his, and the bliss on his face while he sat with his bowl of chili, that make me want to do so much more. Thank you, Marc, for your incredible inspiration.
I’ve decided that I’m blessed to have celiac disease…it has provided me with an opportunity to reach out and help others. I want to do more than be an advocate for Celiac Disease. I want to do more than just be an encyclopedia of knowledge on the condition.
I want to seek a way of serving that corresponds to my unique abilities and propensities, a way that engages all of me. I want to help others directly. I want to cook safe meals for the CD masses. I want to help give everyone with CD that look I saw on Marc’s face Saturday night.
I believe that God really does have a plan for every single one of us…I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease for a reason…perhaps I am finally discovering my life’s purpose…
“I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.” ~ Douglas Adams