Bad. Badder. Worstest.

BAD: You accidentally buy whole milk at the grocery store.

BADDER: You accidentally drink a milkshake with said whole milk.

WORSTEST: You fill up the bathtub with heavy cream and drink your way to the bottom.

BAD: You skip your workout.

BADDER: You skip a week of workouts.

WORSTEST: You forgot how to get to the gym.

BAD: You ate too much fried shrimp.

BADDER: Security guards now stop you from entering Red Lobster.

WORSTEST: Your name is mentioned in a worldwide article about a seafood shortage.

BAD: Your favorite shirt is too tight.

BADDER: You split your pants.

WORSTEST: A button popped off your jeans and severely injured a co-worker.

BAD: You barely made it through the 5K you trained for.

BADDER: You barely make it through the Mile Run you trained for.

WORSTEST: You barely made it through the “Real Housewives of Orange County” marathon.

BAD: You were turned down for a date because you’re too big.

BADDER: You were turned down for a job because you’re too big.

WORSTEST: You were turned down from “Biggest Loser” because you’re too big.

BAD: You were really uncomfortable going horseback riding.

BADDER: They couldn’t find a saddle that fit you.

WORSTEST: You broke a horse.

BAD: You tracked your food and went over your allotted calories.

BADDER: You tracked your food and went waaaay over your allotted calories.

WORSTEST: You tracked your food and ran out of numbers.

BAD: You don’t have any jeans that fit.

BADDER: You don’t have any sweatpants that fit.

WORSTEST: You don’t have any muumuus that fit.

BAD: You eat cheese and crackers on the sofa.

BADDER: You eat chips and dip in bed.

WORSTEST: You eat cold pizza in the shower.

BAD: You maintain the same weight from the week before.

BADDER: You gain weight on a diet.

WORSTEST: You are unable to keep any food down for 4 days and still only manage to lose 2 lbs.

I am so over this stomach BS!!!!! Please, someone tell me, how I essentially ingest nothing for almost a week and lose only two pounds?! I just don’t get it…Trying with all my might not to give up.

Hoping to hear from the doctor tomorrow regarding the results of the stomach/small intestine biopsies I had done last week. While I don’t really want anything to be wrong, I’m almost hopeful that she found something…I can’t go on like this anymore. I know something is wrong…I know my insides are fighting back like a kick-ass scene in the Matrix…I just don’t know why.  I’m about to start a pool…$5 per bet…who will take IBS? Celiac Disease? Crohn’s? Diverticulitis?

Fingers crossed for some direction and answers by the end of the week…otherwise I’m not sure what I’m going to do….

“Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” ~ Unknown

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This Isn’t Me…

I woke up fat.

I woke up today, wiped the sleepy out of my eyes and gazed in the mirror.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

This isn’t me.

The “me” in my mind’s eye was fit and spirited, healthy and vital.

The “me” staring back at me was pasty, weak and lifeless, sporting a layered look even though I had yet to get dressed.

This isn’t me.

The “me” in my mind’s eye looked good from every angle and was more than just a pretty face.

The “me” staring back at me was rotund and flabby, uncomfortable looking and miserable.

Somehow, we convince ourselves that we’re doing okay, even when presented with an abundance of evidence to the contrary.

We understand that our actions have consequences, but the truth of those words slip tantalizingly through our fingertips.

We know what we need to do, and yet we falter and fail and can’t for the life of us begin to understand the reasons why.

And then one day, it dawns on us…hopefully.

I’m having an extremely difficult time right now. Between the abundance of digestive issues I’m currently experiencing and a complete loss of every ounce of energy I’ve ever had, I have hit a complete stand-still.

I am sad at my lack of progress and I am dejected in my own skin. I am tired of clothes not fitting. I am tired of whatever food sensitivity I’m currently experiencing creating the feeling of Thanksgiving dinner after eating 2 or 3 bites. I am tired of telling people I’ve tried every diet, and here I am…still topping the scale at over 230 pounds.

I’ve tried so hard all week to keep my internal dialogue positive…but I have so much fear of failing that I think I’m starting to subconsciously sabotage myself to prevent success which I then might screw up.

I just want to feel normal. I want to be able to get up when my alarm goes off and not hit snooze for 2 hours. I want to make the best decision food-wise and not even think twice about it. I want to be excited about working out. I want to stop feeling like this is going to turn out like every other time I’ve attempted this same feat. I want to feel good in my own skin. Is all of this too much to ask?

This certainly isn’t me:

I’m not a person that knows better but can’t do better.

I’m not a person that’s too frightened, worried or weak to make a positive change in my life.

I’m not a person that just doesn’t give a damn.

This isn’t me.

I can grab the reins of my life and take control of what I eat and how I live.

I can push myself harder and further than I ever thought possible.

I can scale a mountain by taking one uphill step at a time.

I can do this.

“Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out.” ~ Unknown

The Cat in the Fat

 


The sun did not shine,
hadn’t shined not a blip,
For the girl the blogging world
knows as Pudge Gets A Pink Slip.

She sat there so sadly.
She sat there unhappily.
And she said, “How I wish I didn’t eat
quite so crappily.”

Too big to go out
And too fat to play ball.
So she sat at her desk
and did nothing at all.

And all she could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
And it left her feeling
Like a big lump of sh*t.

And then
Something went bump!
How that bump made her jump!

She looked!
Then she saw it pop onto her screen.
A web site
On weight loss and low-fat cuisine.
And it said to Hannah,
“C’mon, let’s break this routine.”

“I know you are chubby.
And there’s work to be done
But you can drop poundage
And still have some fun.”

“Have no fear!” said the site.
“I will not let you fail.
I will give you new confidence
when you stand on that scale.”

“In order to lose weight,
There’s two things you must do.
And I call these two things
Thing One and Thing Two.”

“Thing One is ‘eat less’
Stuff less food in your mouth.
Cuz what goes in up North
Often winds up down South.”

“‘Exercise more’ is Thing Two
And please don’t forget.
You won’t dump the plump
without sweating some sweat.”

“Follow Thing 1 and Thing 2
And you won’t stay a fat hog.
Why, if you wanted to you could
Write your own blog.”

“Chronicle your journey
as you step away from the abyss
Fill it with wisdom
(and a few stupid lists).”

So I vowed to eat right,
And I started to move.
And soon was in my own
little weight-losing groove.

And my blog’s doing great.
I may never get rich,
But it seems to have found
its own special niche.

So this cat’s on her way,
She won’t lose her grip.
You can follow my story
as Pudge Gets A Pink Slip

I hope you enjoyed this,
All silly and Seuss-y.
But I may need a lawyer,
When somebody sues me.

 

Gained last week…dammit. Figured that was going to happen…I didn’t really watch what I was eating. Had to drink 2 large containers of barium on Friday…Bottle said flavor was apple smoothie…seriously?! – I may not be a smoothie connoisseur but this was far from a smoothie. Consistency was more like phlegm (pardon me…I just gagged a little). I’m convinced the barium concrete block is still wedged in my gullet and weighing me down like an anchor.

Maybe this addiction to watching 23 hours a day of Food Network is impeding my progress…

Should perhaps get back to reading my “What Motivates Me List” that I posted last week.

In the words of the infamous, animated, blue fish – “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.”

“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.”  ~Author Unknown

Side Effects May Include….

I’ve always had the mantra that you should never take a prescription that has more side effects than you have symptoms. As a result of my little ER visit last week, I have been on painkillers pretty consistently for the last week.  (Yes, dad…legally prescribed.)  While I am glad to say that the medication was not quite riddled with side effects like some of these 8 minute commercials that play non-stop during CBS Sunday Morning (no oily leakage, thrush or erections lasting 4 hours), it did have some interesting properties…

Side effects include (but of course are not limited to): ITCHING…guess that wasn’t un-lotioned skin afterall; ABNORMAL SNORING…as opposed to my normal fat girl snore?; CONFUSION…haha this is a side effect of my everyday life; HALLUCINATIONS…I swear the cupcakes threatened my family if I didn’t eat them…all of them; MENTAL OR MOOD CHANGES…was completely and utterly convinced that I was hungry ALL THE TIME…I swear – I ate like I was about to be thrown in a dungeon for 6 months. Ridiculous-ness!

So glad to finally have all of it out of my system…I no longer feel like I rolled around in poison ivy and the cupcakes are no longer speaking to me. Now that the “painkiller fog” has cleared, I need to do some serious re-evaluating of my plan.

To assist me with staying focused, I purchased a book recently to help me stay on track…It’s an amazing resource and I highly recommend it. The book is called the 100 Days of Weight Loss: A Secret to Being Successful on Any Diet Plan. It’s basically a daily devotional to one’s weight loss journey. There’s an activity every day, and I wanted to share one of the first ones with you.

I’ve struggled of late with motivation and keeping my mind on the prize.  One of the required activities is to write down the 25 reasons that I want to lose weight…no matter how insignificant or trivial they may seem. I touched on these briefly in one of my first blog posts…but for my own benefit wanted to really come up with a complete list.

There are seemingly a million reasons why we want to lose weight, from the frivolous to the serious, from fun and games to life and death. Some of us want it for ourselves and others for those around us. Some because they want more out of this life and some because they expect more out of themselves. These are my reasons.  This is what drives me down this path to living a more healthy life. This is my motivation.  (And yes…there are 33…so sue me – I overachieved a little.)

  1. Because it’s a pain to de-tag all the fat photos on Facebook.
  2. Tired of breaking a sweat thinking about exercising. Might as well break a sweat actually exercising.
  3. Can’t see my girl parts without bending waaaaaay over. (Sorry for the visual, family members.)
  4. So that my bathroom towel will actually fit around me.
  5. So I can sit on someone’s lap without crippling them for life.
  6. I want to be more than just a pretty face.
  7. I want to live…and love living.
  8. So a number, size, mirror, boy, weight limit, etc. will NEVER again define who I am.
  9. I want to feel pretty again.
  10. To separate my conjoined thighs.
  11. Because I lived the first 29 years as a slug.
  12. To feel strong.
  13. I want to be the person the people who love me think I am.
  14. I want to respect myself.
  15. Because wheezing is not sexy.
  16. I want to be healthy for my unborn children.
  17. I want to be that crazy chick that runs in the rain.
  18. So I can feel confident again.
  19. So I can shop in all the fun stores.
  20. Getting fit is cheaper than therapy.
  21. Because an early and painful death isn’t a better option.
  22. Because I’m tired of avoiding mirrors.
  23. I have no room for a heart attack on my agenda.
  24. Because I am worth it…and so is my family.
  25. Because I’m too cute for any less.
  26. To stop being scared of lawn chairs.
  27. Because I not only have a shelf ass…I have the whole baker’s rack!
  28. Because I want to turn heads.
  29. I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room anymore.
  30. I want to wear shorts, and not be a walking ad for cottage cheese.
  31. I want to look good from every angle.
  32. Because I cannot keep pretending that I don’t mind being fat.
  33. And finally… I finally realized that being unhealthy only hurts me. And I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

I am going to print out my list and post it everywhere (book suggested I do so). Focus has waned a little, but constantly reminding myself why I’m doing this to begin with is an enormous help.

With that being said, what is YOUR motivation to change things in your life…whether it be weight or another bad habit?

No, genius, that is not a rhetorical question…I want to hear from you. Seriously.  So get to commenting! Or emailing or texting…whatever floats your boat. But I want your input! 🙂

Scale results for the week are in the right direction despite eating everything in sight…would like to get back to the losses I had at the beginning.

Trying to convince myself that liposuction is not easier….I think.

Looking forwad to hearing some of your responses!  Until next time…love to all. ~ HH

********

And the quote today is in honor of my great-grandmother, Mama Laura, who would have been 97 today….

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where in the hell she is.” ~ Ellen Degeneres