Hospital Gown Couture

I’ve never been a follower of high fashion…but boy did I get the opportunity to sport one of the world’s finest garments over the weekend…got top-of-the-line evening wear called the hospital gown.

As if it isn’t enough that you already don’t feel well when you’re forced to wear one of these things…then you’re required to put on the most ungodly, unflattering piece of fabric ever invented. I am convinced that even Brooklyn Decker would look horrendous in a hospital gown. Surely whoever invented them never had to wear one.

I now know why everyone in the ER looks sick…put that awful spoiled, split-pea soup color on anyone and they’d look queasy. Couldn’t the gown at least be a pleasant color…a happy color? Something that doesn’t remind you of cafeteria vegetables or boogers?

Hospital gowns come in three sizes: short, shorter, and don’t bend over. I got to wear the third one…yes, the don’t bend over version. Who designed these things anyway? A doctor that got some kind of amusement out of seeing patients waddle around in socks and a pseudo-shirt with two strings in the back and their butts exposed?

Okay – I admit it – I’m modest. If I had wanted to be a stripper or taken up some other exotic profession, I would be doing it. However, I’m not – I’m a curvy woman who doesn’t like exposing her body to strange people – even in an emergency. I do not like having my rear end or anything else exposed and spent most of my time trying to make sure all points are secured just in case there is a windstorm in the hospital.

I guess the rear end needs to be easy to access in the event an emergency occurs, or an injection is needed…which it was…twice. Thankfully by a female nurse who subsequently got to hear my excuse for unshaven legs (she kept assuring me she’d seen worse) and dry, pale skin.

In an environment that is so stressful and serious, seeing patients walking around in comfy outfits would be an instant way to improve the mood a little…bedazzle them…cover them in Spongebob Squarepants or Strawberry Shortcake…something to not have everything so dull and depressing!

Side note: Having large arms sucks in a medical setting as well. On more than one occasion I had my left arm in a vice called the blood pressure cuff which was crushing what was left of my bicep. I pointed out to them that I thought I was being strangled by the blood pressure cuff but they assured me this was ‘normal’ (in whose world?)

I realize that medicine is a tough business – it is hard to meet and greet complete strangers and look at personal parts of their bodies – and not throw up sometimes. Or it must be hard on the nerves to work on people and do intimate things to them without acting scared or horrified that you’ve just cut the wrong thing for instance!

It’s probably not fun either to deal with sagging bodies, flatulent old ladies, and people who are terrified of having anyone do ‘things’ to their bodies – but come on. Dignity should start WAY before dying – we are not inanimate objects here. We are feeling, breathing people – we were before we came in to the ER.

The least some hoity, toity medical company could do is come up with something to wear that doesn’t make you feel like less of a human being. I think the fabric has got to be 100% Egyptian cotton…….or Italian linen would be nice….Armani, do you need a charity, honey?  Any type of garment with full coverage would be better. Make it like a comfortable pair of pajamas with conveniently placed access points. Hell, the lingerie industry has figured out the “easy access” concept. Even standard boxers have access. Shouldn’t be that difficult to create for a medical setting….Million dollar idea, perhaps?!

From the result on the scale this morning, there was at least less butt to expose! Finally lost more than an ounce or two!

And when this is all over…I WILL look like Brooklyn Decker in a hospital gown. Now if I could only get Andy Roddick to return my calls….

“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” ~ Dolly Parton


2 thoughts on “Hospital Gown Couture

  1. Hannah, you are hilarious! I have laughed until I have cried. I tell Elizabeth all of the time that she needs to design new and up-to-date hospital gowns as that is part of her field/job. Those gowns do make people feel worse!
    So proud of your loss this past week. Now you have met one of your main goals! Congrats~Jinnette

  2. Hannah,

    You are doing GREAT!! Were you sick? If so, i hope you feel better. You should be very proud with your progress. Keep it up!! I started runnning a couple of weeks ago, ugh!!!!


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