Fact or Crap?

Welcome ladies and gentleman to an impromptu version of fact or crap….also known as myth or reality… truth or false…you get the idea!  Now…let’s test your skill…

1)  Fact or crap: When you have the flu, food is the last thing on your mind.

 Crap!! I was the lucky recipient of the flu or some other crazy virus last week, and all I wanted to do was eat!!! What is up with that? I missed 3 days of work, and thank goodness there wasn’t really that much to eat in the house – I would have killed it! Ended up giving in to my craving for egg salad (so weird) – but I made it so could at least control the contents.

 2)  Fact or crap:  Working in teams at the gym is not a good thing when you’ve increased your fiber intake.

Fact!! So let me paint this picture for you…increased fiber, plus having your gym partner hold your feet while you try to do as many sit-ups as possible in a minute…I think you know what comes next. I guess it was a good icebreaker…ok maybe not. Maybe “wind” breaker would be a better term to describe it. Explains why she has stayed far away from me since then…

 3) Fact or crap: I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way my clothing fits.

Crap! (Can you picture my pouty face?) Not sure why…maybe I’m still holding on to water. Maybe it’s female bloat or I swallowed to much air. (Haha I googled the last one…Swallowing too much air is an actual reason for bloat. If only it were that easy.)  Don’t feel like things are fitting any better…don’t notice a difference in my face or in my appearance.  Would have thought I would have seen a difference by now…in some ways I’d rather lose inches than weight.

 4)  And finally…fact or crap: I can now mark off weight loss goal number #2!

Fact!! Lose ten pounds. Check. Lose 11 pounds. Check. Lose 12.4 pounds. Check check!!! Woot woot!!! So excited for the loss this week! (And I have a confession…I cheated a little this week so I’m even more shocked.)

I think the total loss is why I’m a little bummed about not “noticing” it more. I know I will…I know the more I drop that scale number, the more I’ll see the difference.  I’m such an impatient person!!! Back to that ‘unable to visualize’ it thing. I’m so results driven…I’m seeing them as far as the number…but I’m so self-conscious that I think that’s why I’m in such desperation to see the difference in terms of physique.  As much as I want to sit here and try and convince myself that this isn’t all about what size I am or what I look like, it is. I’m not currently that unhealthy (that I know of) – so to say that I’m only doing this for health would be a lie. Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, there’s nothing I would love more than to look in the mirror and love what I see. Or to Baywatch it down the beach (yep…including the slow motion running through the waves with a floatation device in hand) and have it look attractive.  I’ll even settle for finally not wanting to break a dressing room mirror with its awkward angles and horrendous lighting.

I’m well aware that fixing the weight issues now will prevent issues in the future, but it’s so hard to relate to that “pain” of unhealthiness if I’m not sure that I’ve even experienced the severity of it.

I know what you’re thinking…”Just think about how much better you’ll feel…think of what you’re preventing.” Well I know that…but I have found that I’m so much more motivated by pain.  That if I associate so much pain with the way I am now, that I’ll change my ways.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been unsuccessful previously…because I’ve never had that hit rock-bottom point in terms of health.  I used to beg an ex (who will remain nameless) to please tell me that I disgusted him…To tell me that the sight of me and my excess weight made him nauseous.  He didn’t do it (thank God) – but I had convinced myself that if someone told me those horrible things, that it would motivate me to change.  Trust me…I thought the exact same things about myself, but telling myself that I was disgusting over and over again just wasn’t doing the trick.

Disclaimer…Previous statement and what I’m about to say is going to sound really disturbing…and it is in a psychological way.  Not holding anything back on this one – But just so you know, I no longer have these same thoughts.

When I’d get a stomach virus I would in a way be grateful that I might lose a few pounds as a result.  If I’d feel a weird sensation in my left arm, I’d wonder if it was a heart attack so I could finally have my wake up call. I went as far as to think that even if it was something as detrimental as cancer, that chemo would be a way to shed pounds.  (I really hate admitting that. I know many that have gone through the struggle with cancer not only is it not an easy road for the patient, but the family as well…I am by no means trying to minimize the struggle of these unfortunate maladies so I apologize if I have offended you in any way.)  I’d wish for something that would force me to change my life.  I subconsciously wanted to be backed into a corner so I had no choice but to succeed.  Why in the hell have I never been able to decide to change? Why did I want something awful to happen to me because I was too weak or lazy to do it by my own accord?

I have tried extremely hard to change my thinking.  I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve got the opportunity to fix it now before I get to the point where something awful happens.  I’m tired of beating myself up and not allowing myself to be what I know I’m capable of (and this goes beyond weight loss too).  I’ve come a long way from the old mentality.  It’s amazing what finally loving yourself does for your way of thinking….having a great therapist doesn’t hurt either!

I don’t know much, but I do know I am a magnificent person regardless of my size…and I promise you this…when I get the outside looking like the inside…WATCH OUT WORLD!

Love to you all. ~ HH

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly.  You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stuck-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” 

 ~Roald Dahl

You Know You’re Out of Shape When…

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Well today was the first day with the trainer…I know…so romantic! I really contemplated not going this morning at 5am when the alarm went off.  Not only was I worried about how badly I was going to hurt afterwards, but it was about 3 hours before my normal wake up time.

I sucked it up and went, though…and I’m glad. I definitely think it’s going to be a great opportunity for me to have a qualified individual push me outside my comfort zone.  I thought it was a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday thing…wrong. It’s Monday thru Friday. What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. The way my legs are feeling right now, however…I’m thinking it might kill me.

Otherwise…this past week was a relatively uneventful one. I did allow myself a cold beer (or 4) over the weekend…still managed a loss this week, although not a huge one.

Close to that 10-pound mark!!! I can taste it! (Ok…do not reward with food, Ms. Hayes….I can feel it – there that’s better!)

The post tonight is going to be a short one…I’m exhausted and know that alarm is going to go off sooner than I want it to. I will however, hone my inner Dave Letterman and leave you with a Top 10 list…

Here are the Top 10 Signs You’re Out of Shape:

10. Taco Bell sends you “Thank You” notes.

9. You cramp up while watching the NYC Marathon.

8. There is no combination of bread and cheese that you wouldn’t kill a man for.

7. You’ve ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.

6. When you look down in the shower all you see is belly and the tip of your second toe.

5. Your legs rub together so much that you’re not allowed to enter California for fear of starting fires.

4. Your knees left a suicide note on the bathroom counter.

3. You have a 0% chance of putting on your shoes without sitting in a chair.

2. You were passed at your last 5K by the 7 year old kid picking of the cones at the end of the race.

1. If you add your blood pressure reading to your cholesterol count, you get a number between seven   and eight hundred…thousand.

Hoping to be less sore the next time I type…until then…much love! ~ HH

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.”

I’m not hungry…

That’s right – I’m not hungry…and I ate way, way too little last week. Whether it was stress from the 107 page report I’ve been working on for the last few weeks or the fear of gaining weight, who knows. And when I say I’m not hungry…I mean if I didn’t eat for 2 days I don’t think I’d notice. So, you may ask…why in the hell is a fat girl worried about eating too little?!

Well…for one – I know that I absolutely killed my metabolism this week.  I’m sure everything I did eat is being stored in some pocket on my hips like a squirrel in winter, since my body has no clue when I’m going to feed it again. With that being said, I do want to mention – I did not intentionally starve myself. Trust me – I have this scary relationship with food so any time I even think that I might be hungry I’ll eat.

Aside from a metabolism that’s now as slow as a herd of turtles stampeding through a sea of peanut butter, why is my under-eating a big deal…well (confession time)…I have been fighting a battle with a Compulsive Overeating Disorder for the last 10 years. Food is my nemesis. It is my greatest enemy, my greatest fear, the apparition that has haunted my life and stolen my serenity, that taught me to hate myself – something I have treated as a “friend” for the last decade without realizing how much I was betraying myself by continuing the “friendship.”  Compulsive overeating is like bulimia without the puking. There is quite a difference in being stuffed after Thanksgiving Dinner and the hell I experienced.

Food consumed my every thought. When I was eating breakfast, I was thinking about what I was going to have for lunch…When I was eating lunch, I was thinking about what I was going to have for dinner.

I would polish off an entire box (yes that’s right, I said box) of popcorn. I’d go to McDonalds and be undecided between a #1, 2 or 3 so I’d get all 3 of them and eat every bite. If I thought I might like Taco Bell for dinner, I would not stop thinking about it until I had eaten it…often times despite the fact that I had already gone out to dinner with others.  I would purposefully wrap all of the containers and bags up as small as I could and stop where no one knew me and throw the “evidence” away. I’ve even snuck food into the bathroom before, turning the fan on so no one could hear the food wrappers rattling. I’d eat until I felt ill. I was like a meth addict with a less deadly substance. Well…maybe not less deadly…but instead of killing myself quickly I was doing it one forkful at a time.

At its worst, I was probably consuming 10,000 calories a day. I had lost the ability to determine what full felt like…I didn’t even know what hungry felt like. When I lived alone, it only fueled the disease, allowing me a safe haven to eat as much as I wanted without anyone being able to judge me.  I felt guilty for not being “good enough,” shame for being overweight, and had a very low self-esteem… Needing approval and validation I turned to obsessive episodes of binging and eating as a way to forget the pain and the desire for affection.  As sick as it sounds, I used to pray that I would somehow have the willpower to be anorexic…I wanted so badly to be able to just stop eating altogether. I was on a train going 500 miles an hour that wouldn’t stop.

Through some intense therapy, the very worst of the disorder has been behind me for a few years – but it still rears its ugly head every once in a while. I’ve very conscious of it now, and conscious of some of  my triggers. I even had to completely stop watching the Food Network for a while (wow that sounds really stupid to type) because watching food made me think I needed to eat, which in turn led to binging.

So, the fact that I am not hungry right now is somewhat of an unusual sensation. Unusual as it may be, it’s a godsend. It’s such an amazing feeling to not be thinking about food 24/7…Yes I need to get my calorie intake to a metabolically appropriate level, but for the moment, I’m relishing in the fact that, despite consciously watching my diet, I haven’t eaten myself from here to Winston-Salem.

Oh yeah…and as for the progress this week…here’s where I stand…

Another 3 pounds gone! Still ahead of schedule! After only 2 weeks of eating natural, unprocessed food, I feel so much better. My complexion is better, my sleep has been better, and I don’t feel as puffy and bloated.

I finally feel like I’m starting to eat to live instead of living to eat. Making better choices is becoming second nature. I even stuck to my guns while watching the Superbowl and made sure to have some really healthy options available.

I’ve still got a long road ahead of me, but I’m well on my way. Thank you for your continual support. I’ll see you at the finish line!

“You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.”