I have a confession…

Yes, that’s right…I have a confession. I am addicted…completely and utterly addicted, to brussell sprouts.

I’ll give you a moment to process that…I know you didn’t see that coming at all…friends and family are whispering to each other: “No not Hannah! I never thought it would happen to her!” I know, I know…I don’t look like the “type” (haha – no really, you don’t expect a woman with a weight problem to be obsessed with brussell spouts).

I could eat them every meal of every day for the rest of my life.  For those interested…I like my “poison” roasted.

Hate them, you may, but thanks to my little miniature cabbage friend, I have had an extremely successful week…see for yourself…

There goes the first goal! Marked through and complete. 5 pounds gone…and ahead of schedule!

So yes, the addiction to brussell sprouts is true, but that’s not the only admission I have tonight.

Confession # 2 is that I really beat myself up this morning when I got on the scale. I was upset with myself for having only lost 5 pounds. I’m not sure why. I have no reason to. My 85 pound weight loss goal by November 15th was based on 2 pounds per week…2…and I’m more than double that. I was very committed (and still am) with my diet this week and logged every single morsel I put in my mouth. That’s a huge accomplishment for me, and I was beating myself up?! I don’t get my own mind sometimes. Perhaps I need to not watch 4 episodes in a row of the Biggest Loser…seeing 21 pounds a week lost on some people is totally messing with my mind! Granted – I’m not working out 11 hours a day either.

(On a side note: Some of you have asked about what I’m doing physically – I am set to work with a trainer a few times a week starting in the next week or two…I’m making baby steps in the exercise department because I want to make sure I’ve got the eating piece under control. Eating brings me the most amount of anxiety and struggle mentally – a topic which I will get into another day…for now I’m getting the diet under wraps instead of tackling every demon at one time.)

I know that one of my biggest obstacles, and perhaps one of the reasons I’ve struggled so much in the past, is that I’ve never known what it’s like to be thin. All the self-help books tell you to visualize your goals. Well I can’t…ok, maybe not can’t, but I don’t know how. I cannot imagine myself thin…I cannot picture myself without pudge…I cannot picture myself in a single-digit size…I cannot picture myself walking out the door in the morning and running 8 miles like it’s nothing. Don’t get me wrong…I want it like it’s nobody’s business. I just feel like the drive and the motivation I feel right now starts to wane over time because I can’t keep saying to myself  that I know what it felt like and I want to be there again. Trust me…I’m miserable the way I am now…I feel like the real me is in here somewhere trying to get out…hell, I ate the real me at some point so I’ve just got to peel away the layers to allow the “true me” to break free.

I’d love to have some fancy software like they had on TLC at one point, with a computer generated image of the thin me. I think that would do so much for helping me visualize that goal.  How do you overcome that? How do you envision yourself as something you’ve never known?  Any input or feedback you might have on this is much appreciated.

I am still incredibly inspired by your continual support over the course of the week. Getting through the first 7 days was not nearly as difficult as I expected. The first 2 were slightly trying – but it got easier and easier day after day. The only thing I’m craving now (and this is random) is Ginger Ale…of every awful thing I used to crave like it was my job, and I’m craving a carbonated beverage used for curing hangovers…Oh well – I guess it could be worse!

For now…I’ll forgo the Ginger Ale and stick to the brussell sprouts…

Until next time…

 

“The best way out is always through.” ~ Robert Frost

Tapeworms…Clean ones.

I read today that some people have intentionally – yes, I said INTENTIONALLY – given themselves tapeworms to lose weight. Seriously?!  Aside from that, where does one order a tapeworm? Craigslist? The Classifieds? Are there tapeworm sellers on Ebay with positive feedback 99.8% or higher?  Scary.

The article does mention that the “tapeworm diet” is only practiced with sanitized tapeworms….phew! Thank goodness! I was worried for a minute! I mean, really…does it matter that they’re disinfected or not? Using a sanitized tapeworm is like giving yourself rabies from a freshly groomed dog.

To be in a country that so easily exposes the fraudulent practices of any other industry, there sure are a lot of shoddy weight loss promises out there…I know, I know…as long as people are willing to try it and pay for it, they’ll keep showing up…I get that. But isn’t it about time we have an FDA equivalent for the lose-your-fat industry? A ranking system…a BBB-esque organization.  Surprise, surprise…I’ve fallen victim to a lot of those get results quick claims. I’ve ordered the pills and the juice and the bands and the body suits…ok not the last one, but I’m sure if there had been an infomercial at 3am with the 13 people who claim that it works then I would have bought one. Of course…none of this crazy, “this is not approved by the FDA” stuff worked.

Sad part is…I know exactly what works…I’ve always known what works. I have the books and the science and the proven research that burning more calories than I take in will lead to weight loss.  Why am I so convinced I’m going to wake up one day, turn on the news and hear “Breaking news! If you walk outside, turn around 3 times, bite your lip and grunt then you will instantly lose 100 pounds!”?!

All these times I’ve tried that quick fix, I was wasting time not doing what I know will work. Instead, I’ve gotten my hopes up, only to have that new miracle solution fail. I’m trying to keep repeating to myself that I didn’t gain the weight overnight…I’m not going to lose it overnight.

I’m finally at a point now, of disgust or despair or necessity, that I truly believe that this is a battle I’m going to fight the rest of my life. Not the battle to lose the weight (because that goal weight is all mine!), but the battle to keep it lost.  I won’t ever be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want and refrain from exercise…it sucks…but it’s my reality and I’ve finally come to grips with it. Feels like an addict finally admitting their problems…an epiphany. “Hi my name is Hannah and I will have to be accountable nutritionally and physically for the rest of my life.”

I keep reiterating to myself that this is a lifestyle change…not a diet. (Which, might I point out, does have the word die in it.) The last few days have been tougher than I expected. It’s true what they say…when you think you can’t have something, you want it even more. Continuing to remind myself that I need to watch what I eat has made my cravings for something I don’t need much stronger. I never crave chocolate – but you wouldn’t know it this week. The smell of Taco Bell normally makes me gag – but all week my hunger is yelling at me to think outside the bun.  However,  I am proud to say that I did not succumb to temptation one time this week!! Not one!!…I’ll pause for a moment while you applaud……thank you!

I do need to figure out a way to relax about it all, though. I find myself getting so worked up about how many calories are in each bite, did I have too much arugula, was that serving of grapes too big or did that cup of water make my weight go up an ounce?  I’m trying to stop obsessing over everything…I know I’m not overweight because I ate too much lettuce or had too many grapes.  I had to hide my scale to prevent myself from getting on it a few times a day and am restricting myself to weighing once a week. It’s funny…I’m trying so hard to have so much control over every aspect of all of this, when being overweight, for me anyway, is the result of having too little control over myself.

Deep breath….

One day and a time, Hannah…success is all yours this time.

In the meantime, I can take comfort in knowing that I’ve made extremely smart choices this week and I am anxious to see what the result of this week’s efforts are.  Knowing that I have so many of you cheering for me has been amazingly encouraging. I never in a million years expected the response and the support like I have received and it is truly humbling.  My focus the last few days I owe in large part to you. I am touched and flattered by your comments and reassurance. Thank you so much for being part of this ride with me.

Stay tuned for the scale shot on Monday (with prettier toes!)… Have a great weekend everyone!

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.”

~Henry Ford

Posting My Starting Weight: Humiliation or Liberation?

Well there it is…in all its glory…the scale.  I can’t hide behind the number anymore…can’t secretly write it down in a little journal or notebook for no one else to see but myself. Though posting what I actually weigh is causing some unnecessary anxiety – it’s quite freeing!  I will say with 100% certainty that I will NEVER see this number on the scale again. (On a side note…I apologize for the poorly pedicured feet!)

Part of me is afraid that some people might have the “OMG she weighs how much?!” response…(hell, I had the same response when I stepped on the scale this morning!)..but I keep reminding myself that I can’t fix what I’m not honest about…well, that and I’m pretty sure that no one looks at me and says “Hmmm…I thinks she weighs 130 lbs.”

Those of you that know me the best know I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life “trying” every diet, juice, pill or other gimmick on the market. While some of them are promising…I am sad to report that eating raw vegetables for the rest of your life isn’t feasible, liquid diets are miserable, cabbage soup is a horrible way to live (for both you and those around you) and most disappointing of all: taking QuickTrim does not make you look like a Kardashian. Really bummed about the last one – I was really hoping to look like Kim Kardashian by Valentine’s Day!

I’m fed up with the yo-yo dieting and roller coaster weight battle I’ve been fighting.

I want to shop in a normal store. I want to like pictures of myself instead of having to un-tag myself in them to prevent showing 14 chins instead of 1. I want to wear shorts in the summer (confidently that is). I want to wear undergarments that are cute and dainty, not ones that are on the verge of being industrial (Ok so, yes I have cute ones – Sorry, Dad – but is frilly underwear really that cute in a size 18?!). I want to look in a full-length mirror with satisfaction instead of despair. I want to stop thinking mean thoughts when I see skinny women. I want to be able to say my weight out loud with pride. I want to say “I used to be overweight.”  I want my boobs to stick out more than my stomach when I’m sitting down and not the other way around. I want to feel the power of accomplishment. I want to stop wearing out the thigh of my jeans before anything else. I want to wear cute boots that actually fit over my calves. I want to live longer. I want to stop giving excuses as to why I haven’t succeeded before.  I want to change my life.

Wait a minute…no, I don’t want these things…I WILL DO these things!!!

After only 1 day of this blog officially being online, I can feel in my soul that this time is different. I have already made better decisions with my “followers” in mind. I can’t wait to share my success! It’s so motivating to know that I have cheerleaders out there!

Until next time…

Hello world!

Well…here we go!!! Welcome to my blog!

I’ve started this as a tool for me to journal, in a technologically savvy way, my weight loss journey.  “Why a blog?” you may ask…well …I type much faster than I write – haha ok that’s a crappy reason…real reason:  I’m hoping that sharing my struggles and triumphs motivates me and keeps me on track.  The purpose behind this blog is to HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE! So there you have it…my reason.

This is taking an enormous amount of humility and courage to do.  I know expressing my desire to do this to a few people led to a response of “Why would you post all that for the world to see?”  Well…If no one knows what my goal is, then who knows or doesn’t know if I give up before the finish line?! I can’t let the world down! I must reach my goal!!!

Ok so maybe it’s not the world looking….yet. Whether I write this down privately, or type this here; I’m much more driven when I can look back and see how far I’ve come…and, more importantly, I am driven by encouragement from others. So here comes your assignment… I hope that you will feel free to comment on anything I post. I need your support, I need you to lift me up if I‘m defeated, and to praise my triumphs when I reach milestones.  Please do not hesitate to forward this to others if you so desire.  It would mean the absolute world to me to know that I have been a source of inspiration for someone else going through a similar voyage.

Weight loss totals will be listed under ‘Stats’.  I plan to update the blog a few times a week – more often if needed.  I’m finding that being able to type like this is amazing therapy!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this…I hope you’ll continue to follow along and join me on my quest as my pudge gets a pink slip!

Love to you all! ~ Hannah